Wednesday, January 4

This year

This year.
This is tomorrow.
This is THAT DAY when every choice multiplies.
Day after day.
Choice after choice.
Step after step.
No I do not want a beer or glass of wine.
No I do not want rice, pasta, bread or starch. Or sugar. Or crackers. Chips. Any of it.
No I do not want to be "LESS THAN" anymore.
No I do not want to say "I USED TO".
No I do not want to be a vision of a person who does not care about themselves. Their health. Their quality of life.
No. That isn't me.
Not any more.

Monday, January 2

Mindfulness app


Starting this year with daily meditation. Mindfulness app.
Gratitude app.
Eating for fuel. For health.
I can change.

Wednesday, November 23

End of the year

Another year is almost over.
Sick as I am at this moment, sweating profusely as the poison swirls in my system, I cannot help but be hopeful that recovery is coming. In all areas.
Next year is full of promise.
And better health.

Wednesday, June 22

So glad to reconnect.
Two girls who mean so much to me. Who know me. REALLY know me. Who reflect "me" in different ways.. my humor. My sarcasm. My angry Self.. my take me as I am Self.
Wonderful timing, as I take a good look at just who I am right now. As I take stock of what serves me and what does not. As I ask my Self what do I want *my* domestic Life to look like.
Both their lives are in flux.
Both in the process of Big Change.
None of us aware of where we will end up.
All of us aware and agreeable that change will occur, must occur, but it is the how we all query.
What will exactly unfold..

Saturday, June 18

Great weekend off. Clean house, clear mind. Just one week away from vacation.
Starting the process of repair.
Repairing the house.
Very slowly. Likely take most of the summer.
Repairing me, on the inside.
Very slowly. Likely take most of my life!
I find these intervals where I'm really down about myself. It takes me a while for that fog to lift, but after it does -man, I feel so clear and so at peace. It's almost a necessary tear down in order to restore. Strange, I'm sure, but somehow I need to really stop at times and allow myself to get overhelmed- to feel the burden. And then while I'm in that space I say to myself- hey, guess what? You're doing it! You!
It makes me imagine a swimmer crossing a lake... Getting tired in the middle. Stopping and bobbing out there in the water.. really no choice but to continue, but taking that moment to see what you are doing.. See what you are up against.. And finally see what you are capable of accomplishing.
See how far you have come.
See how courageous you are.
See that YOU are doing it.
Because you are...
Because I AM.

Friday, June 10

Thursday, June 9

Reflection, trust and confidence

I found Confidence. Apparently they bottle it. It's a blush wine bottled in California. I figured I needed a lot, so I drank the whole thing.
Course I drink Alberta PURE and certainly the more my life moves on, the less pure I apparently get.
What I do know is that alcohol does not serve me or my best Self. I am not at my Best when I am using or abusing it.
What I do know is that I am not currently anywhere near my Best.
What I do know is that I am continuing to work on that and while doing so am feeling really, really, really shitty.
Going under.
I cry at work.
I cry on my way to work.
I cry while I do dishes.
I cry while I garden.
I am not well.
My trust in everyone is non existent. I feel like I am worthless. An afterthought. I feel used, insecure, judged, all sorts of things that aren't even happening I am sure. I just feel every negative emotion, times a thousand.
It's really tough to believe that being alone does not mean I am not loved.
That being alone does not mean I am unlovable.
One day I might have it again, maybe.
It's not a truth.
Being alone does not mean that things will not change.
But who the fuck in their right mind would want me FFS.
And that is where my mind goes.
All sorts of negative self talk.
Good fucking luck, it says.
You're starting over at what age?
(#The Kill -30 seconds to Mars)
SO much to work through.
So hard.

Friday, June 3

What a year 2016 has been already.
Since my last post I have trudged along for the past 6 months, working through a massive change in my life. Haven't been single in my entire life- let along a single mom to a busy 4 year old (*in a week, she will be 4..) She has been a trooper.  It is powerful to witness a loving, outgoing child embrace strangers and tell them she loves them. Kids give love so freely. Ela does more so I think than a lot of other kids. She loves saying hello to people, getting their attention, introducing herself, inviting them into her space (*inviting HERSELF into their space*), immediately engaging in connection with them.
Me, I have felt like I am floating on a raft at sea. Sometimes I see land, sometimes I feel so far from it. Sometimes I look below me and think the water is not so deep and I can swim. Sometimes I look down and think oh my god, I am in over my head. How can I save myself? Should I seek help? Do I need help, or just want it? Am I okay by myself? Can I do this?
Lately the realization is that yes, I can do this because *I AM*. I am doing this. Every day, I am doing it. Sure some days are tough, and some nights are especially.
Lately I have come to the realization that being alone, being by myself does not mean I am not loved, and not unlovable. Being single does not mean I always will be. Being a single mother does not mean that I will not always be one. Or maybe I will be, and if that becomes true, it's okay.
Lately I have recognized that I hold onto values and judgements that are not necessarily my own. I have questioned myself as to why I feel I deserve certain things, like why can I only buy used (ie furniture)? Why do I feel I should not have a 'nice car'? Why have I chosen homes that are cheap? What is it within me that says I deserve X,Y or Z..?
I have looked at my relationships and asked myself why is it that a child of parents who have a 40+ long year marriage could not do the same thing? Have I failed? Have I been wrong? Have I not tried hard enough? What was it that made my outcomes different than theirs?
No wonder this process takes time.
There is so much TO process.
I can only continue to stare at everything and ask myself these questions.
I can choose anything.
I can change anything.
I can become anything.

Sunday, January 3

I cannot sleep.
Hours away, my entire future changes. Different- certainly. Better- hopefully. Difficult? May be for a while, for everyone.
My mom's parents divorced in about 1968 or 69. Each remarried- as a kid I had 2 sets of grandparents on my mom's side. In fact I think the year my mom & Dad married so did Nana. Feels odd to me though to have personally had one relationship split at age 34 and another now at 42. I can't help but ask myself to look within for answers why.
Ever wearing the rose colored glasses, I hope though that at least once more in my life I am lucky enough to be loved and be in love- deeply. I hope I am so lucky to experience it again. To trust again. To feel valued. To have mutual respect. Share laughs. Share fears & worries. Dreams. Knowing looks that quietly say everything.
Just for a while I will have to seek some quiet. Review and restore myself. If I am so lucky to have another relationship I want to bring my Best Self into it. Be present and aware.
Until then.

Wednesday, October 21

My new Pinterest site.

Tuesday, September 22

Wednesday, April 29

I love it when horoscopes make you wonder if someone has a camera in your home. Mine for tomorrow (Thursday) Discussions with partners and close friends will be practical and sensible today, which is why this is a good day to talk to others, whether it's a personal discussion or a professional one. Sit down with someone and make long-range plans for the future. Also an ideal day to sit down with others to discuss the future education and welfare of children, especially your children. It's also a good day to make practical, long-range plans about vacations and social events, as well as matters related to the arts. Definitely been the theme lately.

Sunday, April 26

When you have repeated miscarriages there is really nothing that anyone can say or do to make anything better.
It just is.
They just happen.
Just reading this link and found many of the listed emotions easily to identify with.
Here are some that resonated with me.
•the subsequent anxiety felt for the physical safety of our children when or if they are born
•continuing to grieve for what might have been - all those possibilities
•the sometimes harsh judgments we make about ourselves
•the feeling of being emotionally crippled
•the difficulty adjusting back to normal life again, missing not having to be consciously aware of things that may affect our baby; like what we eat or drink and the limitations we may have put on physical movement
• the loss of our last chance of having a child because of our age
• the loss of our last chance to conceive because of the inability to try IVF treatment
• the feeling we have let our partner/others down
• the guilt and confusion if we have previously had an abortion
• the thought that we didn’t love our baby enough to keep it alive
• the thought that we have somehow killed our baby, or we did something wrong
• the longing for our baby not to be taken away with a D&C even when we know or are not 100% sure he or she is dead
* the loss or change in relationships (sometimes permanently) as we experience others lack of understanding and the isolation and loneliness this causes
• the illogical but real sense of shame, guilt or embarrassment
• the worries or fears that this amount of grief (over what is often seen as a minor blip in life) cannot be normal
• the feeling we should hide our loss and not talk about it as others think we are over-reacting
• to be unable to do what other women seem easily able to do as a 'natural part of life' and our jealousy, envy, anger and sometimes bitterness of that
* the loss of the belief system we held that says "this won't happen to me"
• the loss of our basic trust in life and the fear and insecurity of a less predictable world
• the loss of control over our expectations of life
• the loss of the achievement of a goal we had set for ourselves (this may not have been experienced before)
• the loss of self-confidence
• the loss of control of our feelings
• the threat of loss of our identity
• the loss and the feeling of being cheated of the joyful experience of pregnancy and birth and possibly future ones and also the festivities around that
• the loss of our dreams for this child and the future our family would have had together - we had made plans for life
* dealing with our feelings over others' pregnancies especially when they are due around the time we would have been and then later their new babies
* As women now have their children later and their genetic signals intensify, they become aware of their biological clock ticking (DEL), so their reaction to loss can be stronger.
Really tough to read these. But glad I read it. Even harder recognizing that likely was the last time I would be pregnant. Really hard. Really wanted another one.
Have to let go.

Tuesday, March 31

thanks all

Thanks to all my coworkers, friends and family that sent me birthday wishes ♡♡♡ Thank you!!

Tuesday, February 10

stress reduction

Trying to complete reading Marci Shimoff's book Happy For No Reason. Sadly I am not investing the time required to complete the book despite requesting an extension from the library. Simply through serendipity and daily exchanges (even magazine articles!) I am being reminded 'how not to complicate your own life' and live a better [happier] existence. And I remind myself, usually by doing the opposite and seeing the results ;p
I'm going to list a few things that have come up recently that I need to be mindful of, and you may find useful for yourself. Tips that can un-complicate life and help you with stress.
*Be present in your present space. A great counselor I had once told me when things get really overwhelming, just to take pause and look around the room you are in. Say to yourself 5+ things that you see in that space. (I see a chair. I see the window. I see the lamp....) Say another 5+ things you hear in that space. This little task helps you come out from inside your mind where things are getting wound up and grounds you to where you physically are.
*Get rest and tune out. Broken sleep, watching the news before bed, playing with your phone, doing screen time (she says, knowingly!!) right before bed are not great ideas for zen space and down time. Bed time is bed time. Turn off the tv. Turn off the phone. Turn off the mind. Meditate or listen to calming sounds; get your mind off the hamster wheel.
*Go for a walk. Take it outside. Center yourself out in the world, go for coffee break, distract from the chaos. Play Frisbee, swing on a swingset, get a little quick fun fix or playtime in your day.
*Take a breather. Literally. Breathing deeply and slowly several times brings down the hyper nervous system. Give yourself a good 30 seconds to regroup.
*Eat a banana. Most people know that bananas are a great source of potassium but did you know they also contain tryptophan? In case you didn’t know, tryptophan is a type of protein that your body converts into serotonin, which is basically the brain chemical that makes you feel happy and relaxed.
*Express gratitude. Instead of listing those mentally draining lists of coulda, woulda, shoulda or honey-do lists start listing the things that are going well. Be thankful for everything. Breathing. Health. Where you live. What you do. Who surrounds you. Thankfulness. And smile. Share a compliment. If you see someone that looks great today, say hey- you look great!
*Positive imagery. This can be meditation or simply visualizing positive outcomes. Personally I am plagued by the opposite so being able to re-visualize a daydream where things went really wrong and seeing them again with a positive outcome is key to undoing the worry.
*Music. Listen to uplifting or calming sounds- even silence- can do a lot of good for an overwhelmed mind.
*Practice, practice, practice. Try daily to fit in just one or a few of these tips to start training your brain to learn healthier responses to overwhelming circumstances or stressful situations. It's just a matter of practicing things on this list daily and over time your responses to stress and anxiety will slowly change.  

Wednesday, February 4

Full moon, can you tell?
In Leo, according to Mystic Mama. Supposed to be a positive energy moon where we learn to let go of judging and criticizing each other. Where our bad personal habits like smoking or eating poorly are easier to re-examine and re-evaluate. It's a time to think of your inner child and supportively let that little person in you feel like he/she can do it, can achieve, can succeed. Let them let go of their doubts and fears and believe in themselves.
I hear this on every level.
I hear this.

Thursday, January 1


Wow, 2015 hey? It feels sooo weird to remember 1999 to 2000 and Y2K and to think that was FIFTEEN years ago. Someone grew up between then and now. What the hell! I remember it like it was just fifteen years ago! I'm starting to really get it all those times I heard "the adults" say "where does the time go" and "time flies" and all those other mutterings. All of which are true.
Reading April's blog -which is great, by the way!- and she has a great post from Dec 31 about reflecting on the past year and what does the new year mean. Here goes for my own responses to the same questions.
How do you think your life will be different one year from today? How will it be the same?
Oooh. Funny, I ask myself this often: did I know a year ago or three years ago or five years ago that I would be "here". Wherever and whenever "here" occurs. And never am I able to foresee the results! I suppose if I could do that, I'd be really rich and probably own a 1-900 prediction service ;p However, let's take a stab at it for fun and posterity. A year from now I predict I will be working at the same place but possibly in another position. A year from now I will be in the same home, same relationship, with one child and possibly (hopefully?) pregnant with a second if this hasn't already occurred by New Year's 2016.

What excites you about 2015? What makes you feel scared?
Starting fresh and new always excites me, as does moving into Spring. I love to get outside and to hard yardwork. Prune trees. Rake up thousands of leaves and clean out the flower beds. I love, love, love it. Scared? A zombie apocalypse. My fears are much bigger and uncontrollable/ universal catastrophes..

What is one new skill you want to learn?
Always looking to learn new things like reducing my hostility and destroying my inner demons, oh- and maybe if the opportunity came up... kick boxing. Just boxing in general. I think I would really love that.

What character quality could you work on next year?

Gratitude, patience, being QUIET and more empathetic.

What is one dream you hope comes true in 2015?

Just one more bebe. It would be so nice to have two kids..

Are you sad to see 2014 go? Or are you ready for the new year to be here?

Not too much(?) although the year in itself wasn't an awful year by any means. Certainly I have been through much, much worse. It was just a steady, slow grind with kind of a sad ending.

What was the happiest part of 2014?

Becoming pregnant again which I found out Thanksgiving weekend in October. It would have been so great; two kids exactly three years almost to the DAY apart. I was so thankful and so ready to go there.

What are you the most proud of accomplishing in 2014?

I think I did a great job this year helping some other people out with things they have going on, supporting them and also getting myself back on the wagon. I dropped 25lbs in the summer and really put myself into it. I think it let me recognize my own personal power. That's what I will continue to reach for is finding that within myself.

Sunday, December 28

Get Happy

Quite a while back I PVR'd a show called "HAPPY". It was a movie airing on public television; a documentary about how happy or unhappy people in western society are these days. Super interesting. (Side note, I've watched a lot of documentaries on public tv lately that I should probably blog about too..) Made me reflect on things that I already learned about being happy and googling other things about happiness like these links about food addiction and addictive personalities vs eating right. This link was really interesting, found on psychologytoday. It's a story about Kisagotami, a young woman whose first child died suddenly somewhere around his first birthday. Desperate in her love for the child, Kisagotami went from house to house in her village, clasping the dead child to her breast and asking for medicine to revive her son. Most of her neighbors shrank from the sight of her and called her mad, but one man, seeing her inability to accept the reality of her son's death, directed her to the Buddha by promising her that only he had the medicine she sought. Kisagotami went to the Buddha and pleaded with him for medicine. "I know of some," he promised. "But I will need a handful of mustard seed from a house where no child, husband, parent, or servant has died." Slowly, Kisagotami came to see that hers was not a unique predicament. She put the body of her child down in the forest and returned to the Buddha. "I have not brought the mustard seed," she told him. "The people of the village told me, 'The living are few, but the dead are many."' The Buddha replied, "You thought that you alone had lost a son; the law of death is that among all living creatures there is no permanence." It's in how we deal with death and crisis that is important.
The root cause of our unhappiness is our inability to observe ourselves properly. We are caught in our own perspective, unable to appreciate the many perspectives of those around us. And we are unaware of how insistently this way of perceiving drives us. Only through the uprooting of our own self-centeredness can we find the key to happiness. Buddhist meditation practice is one way to catch hold of this "me-first" perspective and begin to examine it.
Happiness, then, is the confidence that pain and disappointment can be tolerated, that love will prove stronger than aggression. It is release from the attachment to pleasant feelings, and faith in the capacity of awareness to guide us through the inevitable insults to our own narcissism. It is the realization that we do not have to be so self-obsessed, that within our own minds lies the capacity for a kind of acceptance we had only dreamed of. This happiness rarely comes without effort to train mind.
So what can we do to improve our mood and become more self aware.
Practice meditation.
Learn more about serotonin and dopamine and what you can do to help these levels.
Okinawa people live longer than anyone on the planet! What they do that you can do.
Gardening is good for the soul. Look at inner gardening.
Practice gratitude every day. Thank you thank you thank you.

Friday, December 26

Isn't December a hard month just in general?
I find it is. This particular December has been a little more difficult than others. It's just simply been plain out a disappointing, let down month. The first and second week I was dealing with the loss of this pregnancy as I just was about to crest into the 2nd trimester. The third week I was back into the throes of an escalating workplace which got an extra layer of drama smothered on top. And this last week really has been a week of feverish toddler plus intensely busy workplace plus last minute Christmas dinner preparation equals me running on about 4 hours of sleep per day. Today I spent the entire day preparing this excellent family Christmas dinner complete with appetizers and sadly my toddler's congestion was so bad I ran her to emergency. She is fine; horrible virus and she is consumed with frustration at being unable to breathe freely. But nothing life threatening or requiring any medical intervention.
I'm just kind of feeling like "so what was this all for?", now. Nothing panned out the way I thought it would- none of it. Not the pregnancy, not Christmas. Things that were supposed to be joyous had no joy. Funny I say this because just yesterday at work I saw a sticker on the floor that said JOY and I thought wow, that was meant for me to see. And yes it was. I just have to find the joy that is stuck to the floor.

Sunday, December 21

Winter Solstice

I don't normally recognize Winter Solstice but for some reason(s) this year I feel the need to take pause. It's been an emotional month. I tend to find this time of year a little tough anyways but certainly it was compounded this year losing the baby :( Brought up old negative thought patterns and self talk that I at least quickly recognized - just not before they took me to the Bad Lands for a long hard stare at the view.
Trying to concentrate on Christmas and getting a good rest on my upcoming vacation which was thankfully extended. One overnight trip planned for the Gulf Islands and otherwise will get in some  daily beach trips with Ela. So great to be able to walk there from here and god knows the exercise will help in every way.
Great way to get in more sun too which is at a premium right now...
Love this guys post on Facebook -check this out.
Pat Regan, Facebook
"The modern Christian feast day of Christmas originates from the enormous storehouse of our ancient Pagan past. Any concrete date regarding the alleged Jesus Christ's birthday is unrevealed and even the gospels fail to specify the exact time of this mythical figure’s commencement. In fact such was the deception of the Church that the ‘official’ date of Christ's ‘supposed’ birth was only hatched up in AD 273. The early Church, enthusiastic to win converts from the old earth-orientated faiths, saw massive theocratical benefit to be gained by adopting this native midwinter festival. This shrewd spiritual ruse was applied with equal force to ALL our original Pagan feast days.The entire Christian year is surreptitiously grafted onto a much older Pagan agricultural calendar, which links intimately with the solar orb/seasonal cycles. Thousands of years before the Christian sect was first instigated, our Pagan forefathers were celebrating the joyful feast of the Midwinter Solstice. Universally, people honoured the Nativity of the 'Sun God' under his abundant titles and epithets. Midwinter marked the phase when the sun was at its lowest point in the sky. This reality was acknowledged and vitalised by the ancients as the time of 'New birth.' From now onward the days would grow lighter as the solar power of the great ‘Life giver’ amplified."

Tuesday, December 16

Death is Nothing at All

Death is nothing at all. 
I have only slipped away to the next room. 
I am I and you are you. 
Whatever we were to each other, 
That, we still are. 

Call me by my old familiar name. 
Speak to me in the easy way 
which you always used. 
Put no difference into your tone. 
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. 

Laugh as we always laughed 
at the little jokes we enjoyed together. 
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me. 
Let my name be ever the household word 
that it always was. 
Let it be spoken without effect. 
Without the trace of a shadow on it. 

Life means all that it ever meant. 
It is the same that it ever was. 
There is absolute unbroken continuity. 
Why should I be out of mind 
because I am out of sight? 

I am but waiting for you. 
For an interval. 
Somewhere. Very near. 
Just around the corner. 

All is well. 

Nothing is past; nothing is lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before only better, infinitely happier and forever we will all be one together with Christ.

Henry Scott Holland

I will forever feel the loss of you...

Monday, December 15

Watched Babba Wawa (Barbara Walters) tonight on her special broadcast, "The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2014". I tuned in right when Oprah was being interviewed. Babba asked her, "So any regrets?" Oprah says no, she has none. Babba asks, "Ok, so finish this sentence. Before I leave this earth the one thing I need to do is..." Oprah says "Make peace with my weight".
What's really interesting to me is (and I think was to Babba, too..) here is this phenomenally successful icon that is universally known, worshipped and revered and her last earthly concern is how many pounds her frame is.
The worst part is... I get it.
It comes from this terrible place of shame, when I stare at the feelings and really analyze my attachment to that same issue. I feel shame. I feel that I put my energies into so many other things above and before myself. I have a bazillion excuses for not exercising, not choosing the best food options or eating emotionally. Which I confess I do, absolutely. I bombard myself with food and drink to pacify inner sadness, which adds weight, which adds sadness, which adds weight, which adds sadness and so on.
The other part of the interview that was tough for me to ingest was Oprah's belief that had she chosen to have a family that her career path would have suffered and or her success today would have been unobtainable. I think this is a horrific injustice though, to uphold that glass ceiling that working mothers simply cannot do it all or be it all or that someone will suffer or be compromised if you opt for career success. Why couldn't Stedman have been the caregiver?! Oh, a thousand questions come to mind. Why can we not REDEFINE motherhood and why do we not dare to try. Why do we feel that we must choose one path or the other. Why do we feel that WE have to shoulder both all the responsibilities of parenting and the career if we opt to be the career mother? I am very disappointed to hear that she felt that this was her belief; especially a woman of such incredibly hard won priviledge with probably every conceivable access to help. And again, not that having children is everyone's thing. Certainly some of us are simply just aware that being a mother is just not something we naturally attune to. For me I will readily confess I have to try daily to tune in and summon patience for the simplest of things. But I also knew at the eleventh hour that I wanted to become a mother- suddenly, but thankfully. 
The weight battle I will continue to work on a peaceful resolution. Maybe the new story can be that I walk so that I'm happy, so I walk, become happy, and I walk and become happy...

Saturday, December 13

Course now the follow up to the last post is... I did too much too soon. It was Thursday late afternoon that I was feeling optimistic and thinking I could do more than I could. Yesterday (Friday) and today have been rough. Went to the doctor this morning and although I don't have an escalating fever I have pretty rough pain. Supposed to do "nothing" the next few days so I'll do my best to do that.. not my forte...

Friday, December 12

Took me until a little later in the day to sort of 'get going' and find my energy. But when I did I went with it.
Something about ORGANIZING things, spaces, rooms, putting things in their places and creating order from chaos that gives me great satisfaction.. Our bedrooms were absolute piles of clothes and blankets and toys. Stacks, piles, bins filled with mixes of this and that. Ugh. I did our room first. Got help moving our old 42" six hundred pound television into a better position. Moved all the clothes and stuff into more sensible locations. Took me all said and done almost 2 hours. Then I look at Ela's room and holy hell, how does a two year old create a debris field that big.. Another hour plus in there organizing a mountain of clothes into bins marked "too small" or "too big" and the ones that were "just right" I literally did not have enough drawer space for. Note to self to locate a better dresser on Craigslist that is a low wide one that would serve her needs better.
Once I got it all done though I tell you, I could sit and look around me and feel a greater sense of MENTAL organization. I hate to say that cleaning up is therapy but it is. It definitely helps give you clarity if you live in less clutter and crap. I have 2 filled black garbage bags with charitable donations and the back door has bag after bag of garbage for the curb tomorrow. And we are very very lucky to have clothes for Ela for literally I think the next 18 months of growth. In fact even in the boxes of "too small" are things she never even got to wear because again, she had so so sooo much clothing available since birth. How lucky we are and how thankful.
Organizing toys is another matter. Boy, do I appreciate toys that don't have stupid numerous pieces and things that get lost under furniture or found by vacuums. I think it's so important that have that rule in a small house that when things come IN THE HOME that things then LEAVE THE HOME. Continuous cycle of in and out so that clutter does not grow. I found a family on CL that put out a mayday asking for help for their 3YO daughter needing clothes and things. Certainly we will share our bounty this holiday season and pay forward our things. I do the same with toys and find people on there that can use and purged a good pile in the earlier Fall. Now the toy debris field is at a smaller more organized state although the number of VEHICLES the kid has to ride on or in is insane. A plane, a horse, a jeep, a boat and soon an ATV. Yeeeeeah for one 2 yr old.. I need a parking garage or some way to suspend them from the wall or ceiling so that the trip hazard element is reduced!!!!!
Glad to get back to some sense of normal through this today. Looks good (better, anyways!) and feels so much less frustrating. Amen.

Wednesday, December 10

It's all in the attitude.

Today was the good news bad news day.
Good news bad news was that I got a phonecall from the hospital at noon asking could I come in right away for my surgery. Stammer, stammer, stammer, yes! I quickly showered and threw everyone in the car and was off. Strangely I had a positive experience there. Nurses are amazing people. They deal with it all and yet still retain this insane ability to be... NICE. There are professions I think I could do, like being a cop(!) but a nurse I think would be super hard. They were so supportive and really happy to admit a person in good health. Apparently sick people normally go to the hospital. People that are healthy and otherwise in good form don't normally wander in for surgery. I got praised for having no health issues, non smoker, no family health history, no allergies, not a risky person for surgery. Wow, she says, I wish they all had these answers! How nice to hear =) Before 330pm I was already done and out the door. I felt really sad when I got there and when I talked to the nurses and doctors. But once I was in the operating room they relaxed me and distracted me with small talk and I quickly gave in to the reality of what was at hand. Everyone there agreed it was sad to lose a baby. And it is.
Over the rest of the day sure, I have had my moments. But mostly I feel this movement towards reassurance and peace with it all. I can't change a thing about the results. I simply must accept and move forward. I choose to do that and it's time to really focus on keeping my health optimum. Got a few pounds to lose now and a renewed appreciation for keeping my good health as a primary concern. Will be signing up for the New Year's Day blood donation drive as a kick off to my 2015 health resolutions. Good news is that I can donate again which was going to be off limits for a year from now. Best that I give my type o blood away this holiday season and save a life. Hey. It's only fitting. 

Saturday, December 6


Tough weekend.
Found out that we will never meet you -at least, not under the right circumstances. You are already gone... way too soon. At 10 weeks and 4 days they tell me you just stopped growing. Early next week I apparently have surgery so you can be freed from your little tomb where you are sleeping. Even today as I write this I have no symptoms that anything is wrong. I feel cheated, I feel this need to grasp at straws that someone was wrong, that this is all a mistake. But I know if I choose to allow myself to second guess that I delay the acceptance of this loss- of losing you.
I hope you know you are important and that you matter. I am so very sad that for whatever reason you were unable to complete your journey. Maybe this was your journey? Maybe your message was simply to say a brief hello and give us hope. All I can tell you is that we loved you already. We are so glad you came to us. We're just so sorry to see you go back wherever you came from. Thank you for Being.

Tuesday, November 25

Almost December! A new year is already on the horizon, only weeks away.
I remember when I was a kid, probably about 10 years old, swinging on the swingset at my elementary school looking at the Coast mountain range. I remember that one clear, Fall day looking around my world, taking in my domain of monkey bars and sandy playground, peering over the neighbour's horse pasture as I swung to and fro. Must have been the early 1980s- everyone had sticker collections and traded this glittery one for that puffy one, or E.T. stickers for My Little Pony stickers. Sipping on juice boxes, huddled in little groups against the white stucco school walls, hungrily flipping pages checking out every collection of sticker ever created. I remember that I thought right then about what would the year 2000 be like. How old would I be then? I counted in my little head how old I would be- 29 whole years old, I would be by then. Wow, I would be OLD! What would THAT world be like? What things would the year 2000 have?
Funny, but an oddly sensible thought to have had at that time and one that recurs for me from time to time. I was watching the late news the other night and they celebrated some birthdays for some seniors that had reached 101 years old. That was my moment of reflection- the moment that made me think "what did SHE see in her lifetime?" Think of all the amazing, amazing changes that happened over her lifetime from 1913 to today. Starting life in a place that likely had no telephones. No televisions. No refrigerators? No deep freeze - would they have had a radio!? Good lord! Truly the changes that have happened with technology in 100 years are mind boggling and I think wow, what will my daughter see over her lifetime. What will her hundred years be like? Or mine? Or yours?
If we look not just at the technological advances but the human advances in that time- medically. Socially. Economically. What did WW1 and WW2 change for that 101 year old and what impact will the wars in Iraq, conflicts we have seen with Hussein, with Bin Laden, this fighting with Isis- what will those do to shape our world in future years? Border security, privacy laws, terrorism- these are all very new realities for our generations.
I'm a little behind, admittedly, because I just recently watched the first Hunger Games movie. Someone commented how similar it was to Logan's Run and sure, there are actually several literary references that we could argue have similar futuristic story lines that touch on oppression or restriction, regimented living and dictatorial rule. Stories of dystopia. I watched the HG thinking truly, if my frame of reference was that of someone today from a third world country looking at first world conditions (living in excess, food waste, our entertainment world) we must look like those colorful masses of high fashion people living the high life while the others toil and struggle for day old bread if any food at all. We live at their mercy. We serve for their entertainment. They watch us on TV. Don't we do this? Don't we watch news story after news story of famine, disease and natural disaster and tsk tsk that those people have it so hard? It's an ever changing world. Where is it all headed? What will we see?

Tuesday, October 14

The Power of 10 Minutes

I never blog anymore.
I used to write daily, sometimes multiple times! I love writing, yet time has gotten away from me and new responsibilities have changed my life's landscape.
Today, though, I put the toddler to bed at a reasonable hour and plugged in the laptop. I blew the dust off it and started Connecting to things that I needed to connect to.
Lately I have wanted to email certain people; those that have had a specific impact on my life in times where what they said or did made a real difference in my life. In my Blogger reading list I have a NLP site that I really enjoy and this post suggested that for ten minutes, I use my time to do something meaningful. And so I did.
Funny how, if you just take that quiet time that you are given and put down the smart phone, turn off the tv, sit in the quiet, that you suddenly find (okay, CREATE!) the time you need. We so unnecessarily inundate ourselves with media- all forms of media. Recently I called up my cable company and reduced my available channels to very basic options. I made some lists of "things I would like to finish around the house". I charted out my financial picture over the next 2, 5 and more years with thoughts that detail what I would like to see materialize. Finally I started thinking about the Law of Attraction and how I so rarely take those 10 minutes every day to really develop and connect myself to the things that matter.
And the people that matter.
And the message that matters.

Friday, June 13


Second day in a row, wiiiide awake. Yesterday it was from 4am to 6am and today at 3am all my mind does is rehearse karaoke songs...!? Really? At 4am I need to sing HAPPY by Pharrell Williams in my head!? Wtf. 
Full Moon today and Friday the 13th- maybe this is disturbing me on some level, who knows. Apparently rare to have the annual June Strawberry (Rose) Moon on a Friday the 13th.. Full moons can be hard. Couple times a yr i find myself affected by them, oddly. Apparently this is one.. All things are connected. 

Tuesday, June 10

2 years old

Tomorrow my baby girl turns 2 yrs old. Hard to believe already.
Happy Birthday little Ela...

Friday, April 11


I started taking the anti depressant Venlafaxine (Effexor) in Feb 2013 after having a very unsuccessful 6 weeks on 20mg of Citalopram. My initial response to 37.5mg was positive. A few wks later I increased to 75mg and eventually graduated to a 150mg dose. I maintained this until mid January 2014 when I saw my Dr and asked her help to wean off the drugs. We agreed on a 6 week slow weaning. I started week one on 112.5mg a day. I felt an incredible feeling of "medicine head" sort of like I had taken a really strong pill for muscle pain. I couldn't quite explain the feeling other than a very thick mental fog. Cotton head. Often I had vertigo dizziness and was unstable on my feet, combined with this weird fog. I had what I would call brain zaps where a buzzing feeling of alarm would randomly generate in my head. A shock feeling. Jarring. And very random. 
Ten days in, I reduced again to 75mg but found the vertigo and brain zaps to be way too unmanageable. I would alternate days of 112.5mg then 75mg until I could stand a few days in a row of 75mg. 
The third week of withdrawal- roughly Feb 15 or so- was certainly THE WORST. The irritability was insane. Irate. Outbursts. All coupled with the previously mentioned symptoms of foggy head, brain zaps and vertigo. Worst week ever. 
I fumbled on. 
Late Feb I was down to alternating 75mg and 37.5mg and finally by mid March was alternating 37.5 and zero every other day. Although the irritability somewhat subsided the fog and zaps persisted. Finally by March 20 I was on my own & revisited my Dr. to report my progress. Although at zero mg a day I still had occasional dizzy moments and cotton head, but much less often than when taking my lowest dose.
As of just this past 10 days I can say the medicine head no longer exists. My more recent issues have been concentration & focus which are a real problem regaining. I have had emotional fluctuations but am working through them. I am able to swallow the lump in my throat when the overwhelming waves of sadness come. I redirect myself when I feel the anger. But my memory, my concentration... SQUIRREL! 
I know in time I can overcome this, I just am not sure how to help myself recover here at this point. 

Tuesday, April 1

A New Year

Important day for me so I will [finally] write a blog post!
It's a new year for me. My birthday. I feel the need to look back at the last year I had, and forward to this upcoming year of my life!
One year ago I was ... for lack of a better word, ILL. Between December 2012 to oh, April May 2013 I was knee deep in the hardest months of my year(+?) long partum depression. Although January 2013 was without doubt THE hardest month of the experience I can look back now and clearly see that I was at the "fully recovered" point only recently.
It was a long & often very uncomfortable journey. I lost part of my Self to it and am still putting it all back together. I still very much lack the confidence and self assurance I once had. I feel like a humbled "After" version of the me that existed "Before". Don't quite know how to summon Strength yet but I just keep moving forward despite the errors and fumbles that I continue to make. Maybe this is Strength. Today at least I can talk about making a mistake and not fall apart emotionally or use harsh self depricating words like "failure". To others I am sure this is not very remarkable, but for me- after struggling for so long with this stuff- it's a huge personal success to get to this point. No anti depressants helping me, nothing but ME and my own personal power in charge. This is really new and powerful stuff for me to say hey, I'm handling Life on my own right now. I'm screwing up but I'm not freaking out [too badly!!] I'm not perfect - I am a little verbally misdirected, a little high strung at times, a little irritable (post Venlafaxine, this is apparently normal). But I'm back to myself which continues to be a work in progress. 
So, looking FORWARD to my new birth year there is so much ahead. So much GOOD. Trying to enlarge our family (nature willing? We'll see...), working on improving our home, working on our relationship. It's ALL about improving for me over this next year. My new mantra... IMPROVE and forward I will move. 
Amen :)

Friday, January 10

Happy New Year

Wow, really?? 2014?
I remember as a kid, swinging away on the swings on the playground, LAUGHING at the idea of the year 2000. Where would I be at age 30? Let alone at 40. I remember that I thought at age 30 I would have 2 kids and a house. Important things to a girl child: have kuds and a home :)
Can't believe it's 2014.
Started the year with some vacation. Spent time with baby, Nana & Grandad then cousins, Auntie & Uncle. Home again where baby & me blossomed a great head cold. 
Today though, a whirlwind of sudden activity. Got our [FREE!] dishwasher installed [AND IT WORKS!!!] got rid of all our popcans & recycling... donated big bags of hand me downs... Organized the pantry... the house is "mostly" filled with things in their places. Where they belong. 
Spring cleaning has begun.
Now... if I can just get rid of this cold...

Wednesday, January 1

Happy New Year!!

All the best to all of us in 2014!!

Thursday, December 26

The New Year Approaches

My mind wanders towards resolutions...
I just uploaded a ton of Ela videos to my youtube account finally, something I have intended to do for months. I also wrote 3 pages in her baby journal tonite after not writing in there since August. 
Recently I find myself wanting more "order"- more structure, things where they belong, clear plans, clear direction, less confusion. When I lack this either at home or work I feel easily distracted. Like I go in too many directions at once. Here are some things I feel I would like to consider:
I would like to begin anew and really consider "scheduling" myself. Making a livable time table to make best use of my time every day. 
Earlier to bed. Earlier up. 
List my tasks. Finish them in a timely manner before starting a new one.
Read library books each month. Take 2 out & read them fully. 
Every payday go to the beauty school for a $20 facial. Just because. For me.
Make my health a PRIORITY.
Make creativity a priority.
That's pretty well it. I'll make a vision board to "cement" these, as I find that helps affirm my ideas. All are doable. 

Saturday, December 21

How do we all manage to survive toddlerhood!? 
Such a curious time. 
This is how Ela views life at 18months old & the rules she lives by.
Taste & eat everything. 
Dirt is yummy. 
Laundry soap smells good on my hair.
Books are for ripping apart, not reading.
Cat litter is my sandbox.
Tablecloths belong on the floor. 
Everything should be thrown.
Faces should be slapped or poked.
What I eat today I will hate tomorrow.
My rubber ducky belongs in the toilet. 
I am allergic to bedtime and learning to master the art of going boneless & temper tantrums.
I love helping mommy & daddy find the scissors they left out.
Mommys purse contents are awesome.
My kisses & smiles make mommy and daddy happy and powerless to stay mad.
I love everyone & everything; my only real purpose is to share my love and make people smile.

Monday, December 16

Self Induced Sadness & an upcoming full moon

I'm guessing it's all related in the cosmos.
Everyone around me (ok, and me?!) is really experiencing or really recognizing that they are in a state of self-induced sadness. Shit is happening and everyone seems to be knee jerking and saying WTF! This sucks and I did it to myself! Mother Tucker!
Started this morning with a theme of Self-Importance and continued in the afternoon with a few more raw emotions I found Here and There. It made a tough day because I really like Here and There is such a great person too. But they're both really angry about Life's Injustices- rightly so- yet we are all fairly powerless against Them.
Sometimes you make lemonade and sometimes you suck on a lemon. It jess aint fare.
Anyhoo, one glorious ray of light today arrived in my home mailbox. Three beautiful handwritten notes- two by my very brilliant and caring nephews. One by a very articulate and thoughtful six year old and another by his almost-nine yr old brother. They wrote:
Dear Ela. I know you are small. And you cant speak or understand you. But I love you. And you are smart. Love Milan.
 Dear Ela. what do you want for Xmas? I want a Ipod touch. How are you doing? I am felling great. You are growing so much. Love Mischa.
It's pretty hard to feel any sadness when you read these and hold these had written letters in your hands and realize the thought and effort taken by these great little heroes.  And so much love and thanks to their incredibly thoughtful Mom who also took the time to write. You can't give a better present to anyone than this simple act.
You guys are beautiful.

Saturday, November 30

My Great Finds of the Day

Friday, November 29

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Friday, November 22

Recycling, Reinventing

For some odd reason this year I have apparently channeled my OCD-ness into cleaning and keeping every baby diaper box, every baby food jar, every salsa jar- actually each and every container that has a lid and is remotely reusable. I have got about 4 diaper boxes filled with these such containers now. 'Course now I think WTH am I going to do with all these!? Originally I made spice jars out of the baby food containers, painting all the lids a dark mushroom color and writing neatly on the lids the name of the spice inside. I used my coolest most vintage mason jars for things like coffee and coffee whitener. I figured a bunch of jars would surely be useful in the workshop for nails, screws, bolts, etc. but the jars haven't quite made it out there, nor is my other half nearly as motivated as me to do tedious little organizational tasks like these. I'm toying with posting them on Craigslist for free but before I do, I just *have to* check online to see what ideas there are out there for reusing jars and containers.
Thrifty Fun suggests a lot of great ideas like affirmation jars or thankfulness jars, job jars, jewelry or bathroom organizing. I kind of like the gift-giving idea where you layer your ingredients for homemade cocoa in the jar, top with marshmallows and seal it with a funky cork or washcloth topper and raffia twine. Or same idea but inserting dry bean or pea soup mixes with recipe card.
I've also washed, dried and spray-painted tin cans, using them for planters and seedlings as well as for nesting containers for Ela to learn and play with. She stacks them and puts them inside each other- cheapest toy ever =) They look fabulous spray painted. I used glossy red, teal, lime green and yellow.
I've been really cheaply painting my kitchen using Home Depot's mistints. They almost always have little $1 oops containers in various colors. I've been collecting them all summer. I have all sorts of blues, pinks, oranges, etc. but I have had them retint their mistints (free!) to browns which are almost always useful and neutral. Anyways for about $5 I painted all my base cabinets in my kitchen by mixing my mistints into a cool brown mahogany purply color. I quite like it. It at least cleans it up from the mess that it was before!
Anyhoo if you know other ideas for recycling pls let me know. I'm exploring ideas!

Tuesday, November 19

In Other News...

1. Chris Hadfield for PM
2. Rob Ford, get help!!! How sad, How public, How embarrassing for TO
3. Molars coming in for 18 month olds is a terrible experience :( that affects the whole family. 

Wednesday, November 13

Dealing with a lot of stress from every direction recently. On & off throughout the day I completed 10 loads of laundry, stripped & bleached clean the bed sheets and pillow cases, aired bedding on the porch railing outside, rigorously vacuumed every crevace & carpet. Toys in their bins. Clothes hung by color in the closet. Pulled some out for donation that no longer fit or function. I should be tired but I feel like I can't stop or certainly cannot relax. Agitated. Scanning for other things "that need to be done" or "should be finished". 
I'm going to keep cleaning, organizing & putting "life in order.

Here are 6 cleaning tasks and their emotional/intellectual/spiritual rewards:

Washing the dishes helps you to wash away the grief. Circular motions correspond to the circle of life.
Vacuuming gets rid of the dust and the cobwebs, the regrets which cling and keep you stuck, as you inhale stale air and allergens. Vacuuming helps you to move forward and breathe a purer air, a more authentic version of yourself.
* Cleaning the windows lets in the light when you feel sad, unable to step outside. Afterwards, you can sit or stand by the window, relax and watch others. Moreover, when you open a window, you get ready to step outside and join the good energy – first you rehearse it in your mind and then you do it.
* Cleaning the bathroom helps you to get the crap out of your life or neutralize what pisses you off.  You need to move toxins out of your body and your mind.
Mopping the floor keeps you in the moment, an opportunity not to think about your worries; otherwise, if you are not fully present to what you are doing, you can slip and slide and fall back into an old issue.
* Overall, housecleaning is great exercise to be envied by gym goers. And exercise efficiently alleviates anxiety and moves stress hormones out of the body.

The next time you clean your space, create a specific intention, a stress-reducing mental component corresponding to the physical act. For example, when you are clearing out spoiled fruit in your refrigerator to make room for fresh, new fruit consider if there might be some spoiled, toxic relationship you need to throw away? Or when you are dusting, polishing your furniture to a brilliant shine, consider what might be holding you back from shining?

Tuesday, November 12

But... More importantly- it's not my problem. 

Saturday, November 9

Constantly Choosing

I have had a bazillion discussions (ahem) with my spouse about how we CHOOSE how we feel. I have tried my best to explain that everyone CHOOSES to get angry, sad, anxious or whatever.
Nobody MAKES me mad-  I choose to react in an angry way when someone says something that hits a nerve. But I could also choose to ignore it.
Nobody makes me sad- I choose to accept an insult when one is aimed at me. Or, I choose NOT to accept it because it is only ME that is insulted if I choose that accept those words.
I have learned this year that semantics are everything.
They are everything.
If you say "You're bad" when you mean "Your behavior is bad" these are entirely different statements. Is the person bad? Or is what they are DOING bad? Important differentiation.
"I hate you".
"I hate what you are doing".
See what I mean? Totally different.
"You piss me off". (also "You make me angry")
"What you are doing pisses me off".
Actually, you chose to react in either situation. You chose your feelings.
You choose.
Know you have power.
Power in your words, power on your CHOOSING how to react.
Use your power. Use your choice.

Friday, November 8

If I Were A Boy


My all time two favorite bra burner videos OF. ALL. TIME.

Ok and this video's another all time fave just because I love the dance off.

But seriously. I post them because recently I received my Oxfam newsletter where they ask you 'Hey, Can you give money to people in other countries that don't have what you have?' Of course you can. I don't care what situation you are in. We have a lot where we are. I can go without something for you in a third world country. I can. I can cut back more. I can. I can share what I have with you.

I can tell you clearly- definitely- that I have been keenly curious about women's rights since birth. It's no lie. I have questioned why my mom was at home. Why my Nana was nicknamed PET by her husband. Why my Nana was pulled from school in her teens to care for her mother who fell down the stairs. Why my Mom read me books that were about female heroines- about women who rose to the occasion all the time. In my 20s she gave me a book called LEGENDS about various women through history who changed world events. I also purchased books by Emily Murphy. I get it. I have seen what has transpired for my Nana, my Mom and what is in front of me and my daughter.

What if I had been born in... Ethiopia in 1973? Or Iran? Anywhere else? Why I came through into this world where I did was shit luck. Nobody gets to choose their existence or experience in this life. It is not their choosing or fault that they face the challenges they do.

And is it strange for us to realize that girls in other areas of the world have it worse? Certainly they do. We sponsor a girl in the Philippines. She is six. Her name is Christine. I hope she is okay in light of the recent storms and I will write and ask her. I'm going to send her a necklace in the mail for Xmas. I want her to know that someone somewhere far, far away is thinking about her.

So- do yourself a favor. Consider other people's experiences. Other childhoods. People who are immigrants. Know that they have different references than we do. Different commitments or priorities. And regardless- one woman to another- we need to support each other.

Thursday, October 31


20 things you can do !!!

Gratitude photo

Remind yourself everyday of the people and relationships for which you’re thankful. Whatever method you use, be grateful for what you have.

1. Love the one you're with.

2. Give thanks daily.

3. Listen instead of talking

4. Volunteer your time.

5. Give a larger tip than usual.

6. Look people in the eye.

7. Smile and mean it. 

8. Resist the urge to talk about people

9. Be patient.

10. Give thoughtful gifts.

Flowers for mom photo

11. Surprise the one you love.

12. Send a thank you note.

13. Give a good hug.

14. Pay a sincere compliment.

15. Acknowledge the negative parts of your life.

16. Give your dog an extra long walk.

17. Call a friend that needs to talk.

18. Donate more than you’re comfortable donating.

19. Learn to love yourself.

20. Resist the urge to judge.