Friday, June 3

What a year 2016 has been already.
Since my last post I have trudged along for the past 6 months, working through a massive change in my life. Haven't been single in my entire life- let along a single mom to a busy 4 year old (*in a week, she will be 4..) She has been a trooper.  It is powerful to witness a loving, outgoing child embrace strangers and tell them she loves them. Kids give love so freely. Ela does more so I think than a lot of other kids. She loves saying hello to people, getting their attention, introducing herself, inviting them into her space (*inviting HERSELF into their space*), immediately engaging in connection with them.
Me, I have felt like I am floating on a raft at sea. Sometimes I see land, sometimes I feel so far from it. Sometimes I look below me and think the water is not so deep and I can swim. Sometimes I look down and think oh my god, I am in over my head. How can I save myself? Should I seek help? Do I need help, or just want it? Am I okay by myself? Can I do this?
Lately the realization is that yes, I can do this because *I AM*. I am doing this. Every day, I am doing it. Sure some days are tough, and some nights are especially.
Lately I have come to the realization that being alone, being by myself does not mean I am not loved, and not unlovable. Being single does not mean I always will be. Being a single mother does not mean that I will not always be one. Or maybe I will be, and if that becomes true, it's okay.
Lately I have recognized that I hold onto values and judgements that are not necessarily my own. I have questioned myself as to why I feel I deserve certain things, like why can I only buy used (ie furniture)? Why do I feel I should not have a 'nice car'? Why have I chosen homes that are cheap? What is it within me that says I deserve X,Y or Z..?
I have looked at my relationships and asked myself why is it that a child of parents who have a 40+ long year marriage could not do the same thing? Have I failed? Have I been wrong? Have I not tried hard enough? What was it that made my outcomes different than theirs?
No wonder this process takes time.
There is so much TO process.
I can only continue to stare at everything and ask myself these questions.
I can choose anything.
I can change anything.
I can become anything.

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