Thursday, June 9

Reflection, trust and confidence

I found Confidence. Apparently they bottle it. It's a blush wine bottled in California. I figured I needed a lot, so I drank the whole thing.
Course I drink Alberta PURE and certainly the more my life moves on, the less pure I apparently get.
What I do know is that alcohol does not serve me or my best Self. I am not at my Best when I am using or abusing it.
What I do know is that I am not currently anywhere near my Best.
What I do know is that I am continuing to work on that and while doing so am feeling really, really, really shitty.
Going under.
I cry at work.
I cry on my way to work.
I cry while I do dishes.
I cry while I garden.
I am not well.
My trust in everyone is non existent. I feel like I am worthless. An afterthought. I feel used, insecure, judged, all sorts of things that aren't even happening I am sure. I just feel every negative emotion, times a thousand.
It's really tough to believe that being alone does not mean I am not loved.
That being alone does not mean I am unlovable.
One day I might have it again, maybe.
It's not a truth.
Being alone does not mean that things will not change.
But who the fuck in their right mind would want me FFS.
And that is where my mind goes.
All sorts of negative self talk.
Good fucking luck, it says.
You're starting over at what age?
(#The Kill -30 seconds to Mars)
SO much to work through.
So hard.

1 comment:

rawfoodsooke said...

You are not alone. I cancelled everything today and am taking a mental health day. I do not feel like adulting. So I rest. Read a little. Rest some more. Think about what I *should* be doing. Feel guilty. Think about how my life has skidded sideways the past 9 months. Try to keep my shit together but every now and again it just bubbles over and grief grips me hard. I will get through. But there are tears, a lot of tears. And it's okay to take a day off. It's part of the healing journey. I am doing the work, it's just that the work takes time. Hugs to you. Be the best you that you can be going through this. You deserve your own love. We all love you.