Yesterday I had a pooey day.
It started out with my cats clawing at my door around 5am, looking for breakfast. All night I had tossed and turned. At 5am I had zero tolerance for breakfast requests. I stomped furiously out of bed, flung the door wide open, grabbed whomever was clawing at the door and launched them airborn a few feet away. (Nobody was harmed in the filming of this episode) I stormed back to bed, heart pounding, teeth clenched and attempted to go back to sleep- which I did not. I lay there, seething with anger, thoroughly annoyed and wishing feverishly that I had been awarded a good night's rest for my favorite dayshift (psst that was sarcasm- I haaaaaate dayshifts). After about oh, an hour, I fell back asleep for a matter of some forty five minutes and woke up cranky to start the day. Someone may as well have shit in my oatmeal. By lunchtime I managed to get my mood slightly elevated, distracting myself with something shiny and some string, and I concentrated on The Good Things I Like at work. My workday came to a close and I literally grabbed my car keys and ran frantically for the door. Pretty sure I left a vapor trail.
At home I checked the mail. Got a letter from "The Past". As you may know last year in August my condo had a flood. I ranted here about repairs that were done that I (apparently) am supposed to pay for (which I don't agree with). I've been trying (hopefully not in vain) for months to plead this case. The Letter From The Past was from the contractor who did the repairs, who stated I must pay the full amount owing in four days or it would go to collections. I felt like I had been kicked in the teeth. Let me explain.
If this bill were to go to collections it would tank my already vulnerable and fractured credit rating even further. If this bill were to do this damage, even if I did manage to complete my subdivision for the duplex that I have spent much of this year pursuing, I would not qualify for a refinance. My debts would not be paid off, my situation would certainly not improve, and everything I have been working all year for would be in vain. All this from this letter, all from this point if they sent this to collections. This was not just a letter, this was quite possibly THE END of My Plans.
I did what I could to defer the situation. I emailed the contractor. I said I wish I could help you. I have been trying all year to resolve this issue, specifically so that you CAN be paid for this invoice. I regret I cannot pay you. I do not have the means. Please be patient.
I emailed the insurance company. I said I wish you would have an answer soon; this company needs to be paid and they are escalating their voice, threatening me with collections.
I emailed some friends and said omg you guys, I dunno what I can do. What can I do. And of course I ate ice cream and had some moments to myself.
But tomorrow is another day.
Another Day came and the cats slept in- in fact everyone slept soundly until 10am. There were no disturbances in The Force. I slept solid and good. I woke up, albeit puffy eyed and groggy, and I thanked my cats- each and every one- for allowing me a good, much needed rest. I kissed them and fed them their favorite breakfast and served it up with much love. My spectacular other half drove up to the store to get me a tall, tasty hazelnut flavored coffee. I had a long hot shower while my coffee manifested, and thought about how I wanted my day to be today.
I got myself ready and turned on my computer this morning. I went to my inbox and there were three emails. One from the contractor, one from insurance and one from my friend. I opened the contractor's email from the accounts receivable department. She said I can hear you are having a hard time, so I will not forward your information to collections. I will wait for you to resolve this. Please let us know how things turn out, and I hope things improve for you. *tears up* I saved the email. I opened the next email from insurance. It said I am sorry to have not responded to you this week; we are working on getting you answers. You will hear from us shortly. And my girlfriend said you know what? I have these days too. I understand, I get it, you can always talk to me, you are fantastic.
I thanked each one of them. And I was conscious today. I thought all day about what kind of day I wanted, what I wanted to say to people, how I wanted to be.
Some days you have to be present, be aware of what you put 'OUT THERE'. I'm finding myself trying more and more every day to hear how I sound to other people, how I FEEL when I say or do things. It's actually quite tough listening and observing yourself; it's hard not to find fault or beat yourself down when you recognize you could've done it differently, or better. But there's no use feeling crappy simply because you haven't learned something yet. And what if THE END came and you had to revise Your Plans- it's not the worst thing that could happen. It may be HARD; it may even be uncomfortable. But it doesn't need to be as tragic as you feel it is. So chillax already, Drama Queen.
I look forward to tomorrow. There will ALWAYS BE another day.
It will ALWAYS BE what you want it to be. I mean, you're responsible.
I'll get to learn something else- likely even something useful.
And hey, if you don't have other plans tomorrow, have a great day okay?!