I woke up last night with incredible heartburn. It took two packets of ENO to put the fires out. I was also incredibly agitated after having a dream about people asking probably the rudest question they can of someone who is at or nearing the end of their pregnancy...

"Are you sure there is only one in there?"

The first time you hear this you laugh politely.

The second time you hear this, you wince, and laugh politely.

The third time you hear this, you grit your teeth and paste on a pursed smile.

The fourth time you hear this, your fist clenches.

The fifth time your eyes get a fiery stare in them, glaze over, and visions of what you wish you could do to that person become extreeeeeemely tempting to realize.

By the time you are at 8+ months along your feet are swelling, your heartburn is difficult to even put into words (as saliva swills in your mouth every moment) and your body is almost unmanageable to negotiate in and out of chairs, on and off toilets, in and out of bed. By this time, please know- you hilarious clowns who dare to utter these words- that you are literally taking your life into your hands by uttering this phrase. I woke up dreaming about stabbing someone viciously in their eyesockets with a fork after saying that. Hence the heartburn.

Men are lucky that women birth. Truly, if men had periods and babies, this world would be an amazingly different place. I hope in purgatory that all men are granted a uterus, phenomenal cramps and a pregnancy that houses a baby with an abnormally sized cranium that they have to deliver vaginally without meds. On a dirt floor, in a hut, somewhere in Africa surrounded by a swarm of large horse flies.

'Course I say this, and you know it's OTHER WOMEN that typically have the balls to say that bastardly phrase to you. Either they have forgotten their own physical reactions to their own pregnancies, or have not been pregnant, or somehow feel because they can also birth that therefore they may exercise the right to chastise a fellow female with fetus. Fuck you, I say. And the horse you rode in on. And may you get the same purgatory that I visualize for the men. Neener neener.