When you have repeated miscarriages there is really nothing that anyone can say or do to make anything better.
It just is.
They just happen.
http://www.miscarriagesupport.org.nz/grief_issues.html
Just reading this link and found many of the listed emotions easily to identify with.
Here are some that resonated with me.
•the subsequent anxiety felt for the physical safety of our children when or if they are born
•continuing to grieve for what might have been - all those possibilities
•the sometimes harsh judgments we make about ourselves
•the feeling of being emotionally crippled
•the difficulty adjusting back to normal life again, missing not having to be consciously aware of things that may affect our baby; like what we eat or drink and the limitations we may have put on physical movement
• the loss of our last chance of having a child because of our age
• the loss of our last chance to conceive because of the inability to try IVF treatment
• the feeling we have let our partner/others down
• the guilt and confusion if we have previously had an abortion
• the thought that we didn’t love our baby enough to keep it alive
• the thought that we have somehow killed our baby, or we did something wrong
• the longing for our baby not to be taken away with a D&C even when we know or are not 100% sure he or she is dead
* the loss or change in relationships (sometimes permanently) as we experience others lack of understanding and the isolation and loneliness this causes
• the illogical but real sense of shame, guilt or embarrassment
• the worries or fears that this amount of grief (over what is often seen as a minor blip in life) cannot be normal
• the feeling we should hide our loss and not talk about it as others think we are over-reacting
• to be unable to do what other women seem easily able to do as a 'natural part of life' and our jealousy, envy, anger and sometimes bitterness of that
* the loss of the belief system we held that says "this won't happen to me"
• the loss of our basic trust in life and the fear and insecurity of a less predictable world
• the loss of control over our expectations of life
• the loss of the achievement of a goal we had set for ourselves (this may not have been experienced before)
• the loss of self-confidence
• the loss of control of our feelings
• the threat of loss of our identity
• the loss and the feeling of being cheated of the joyful experience of pregnancy and birth and possibly future ones and also the festivities around that
• the loss of our dreams for this child and the future our family would have had together - we had made plans for life
* dealing with our feelings over others' pregnancies especially when they are due around the time we would have been and then later their new babies
* As women now have their children later and their genetic signals intensify, they become aware of their biological clock ticking (DEL), so their reaction to loss can be stronger.
Really tough to read these. But glad I read it. Even harder recognizing that likely was the last time I would be pregnant. Really hard. Really wanted another one.
Have to let go.
