Self Induced Sadness & an upcoming full moon

I'm guessing it's all related in the cosmos.
Everyone around me (ok, and me?!) is really experiencing or really recognizing that they are in a state of self-induced sadness. Shit is happening and everyone seems to be knee jerking and saying WTF! This sucks and I did it to myself! Mother Tucker!
Started this morning with a theme of Self-Importance and continued in the afternoon with a few more raw emotions I found Here and There. It made a tough day because I really like Here and There is such a great person too. But they're both really angry about Life's Injustices- rightly so- yet we are all fairly powerless against Them.
Sometimes you make lemonade and sometimes you suck on a lemon. It jess aint fare.
Anyhoo, one glorious ray of light today arrived in my home mailbox. Three beautiful handwritten notes- two by my very brilliant and caring nephews. One by a very articulate and thoughtful six year old and another by his almost-nine yr old brother. They wrote:

Dear Ela. I know you are small. And you cant speak or understand you. But I love you. And you are smart. Love Milan.

 Dear Ela. what do you want for Xmas? I want a Ipod touch. How are you doing? I am felling great. You are growing so much. Love Mischa.

It's pretty hard to feel any sadness when you read these and hold these had written letters in your hands and realize the thought and effort taken by these great little heroes.  And so much love and thanks to their incredibly thoughtful Mom who also took the time to write. You can't give a better present to anyone than this simple act.
You guys are beautiful.

My Great Finds of the Day

http://yoursuperawesomelife.com/

http://tinybuddha.com/category/blog/mindfulness-peace-blog/

http://www.forbes.com/sites/lisaquast/

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Recycling, Reinventing

For some odd reason this year I have apparently channeled my OCD-ness into cleaning and keeping every baby diaper box, every baby food jar, every salsa jar- actually each and every container that has a lid and is remotely reusable. I have got about 4 diaper boxes filled with these such containers now. 'Course now I think WTH am I going to do with all these!? Originally I made spice jars out of the baby food containers, painting all the lids a dark mushroom color and writing neatly on the lids the name of the spice inside. I used my coolest most vintage mason jars for things like coffee and coffee whitener. I figured a bunch of jars would surely be useful in the workshop for nails, screws, bolts, etc. but the jars haven't quite made it out there, nor is my other half nearly as motivated as me to do tedious little organizational tasks like these. I'm toying with posting them on Craigslist for free but before I do, I just *have to* check online to see what ideas there are out there for reusing jars and containers.
Thrifty Fun suggests a lot of great ideas like affirmation jars or thankfulness jars, job jars, jewelry or bathroom organizing. I kind of like the gift-giving idea where you layer your ingredients for homemade cocoa in the jar, top with marshmallows and seal it with a funky cork or washcloth topper and raffia twine. Or same idea but inserting dry bean or pea soup mixes with recipe card.
I've also washed, dried and spray-painted tin cans, using them for planters and seedlings as well as for nesting containers for Ela to learn and play with. She stacks them and puts them inside each other- cheapest toy ever =) They look fabulous spray painted. I used glossy red, teal, lime green and yellow.
I've been really cheaply painting my kitchen using Home Depot's mistints. They almost always have little $1 oops containers in various colors. I've been collecting them all summer. I have all sorts of blues, pinks, oranges, etc. but I have had them retint their mistints (free!) to browns which are almost always useful and neutral. Anyways for about $5 I painted all my base cabinets in my kitchen by mixing my mistints into a cool brown mahogany purply color. I quite like it. It at least cleans it up from the mess that it was before!
Anyhoo if you know other ideas for recycling pls let me know. I'm exploring ideas!

In Other News...

1. Chris Hadfield for PM

2. Rob Ford, get help!!! How sad, How public, How embarrassing for TO

3. Molars coming in for 18 month olds is a terrible experience :( that affects the whole family. 

Dealing with a lot of stress from every direction recently. On & off throughout the day I completed 10 loads of laundry, stripped & bleached clean the bed sheets and pillow cases, aired bedding on the porch railing outside, rigorously vacuumed every crevace & carpet. Toys in their bins. Clothes hung by color in the closet. Pulled some out for donation that no longer fit or function. I should be tired but I feel like I can't stop or certainly cannot relax. Agitated. Scanning for other things "that need to be done" or "should be finished". 

I'm going to keep cleaning, organizing & putting "life in order.

Here are 6 cleaning tasks and their emotional/intellectual/spiritual rewards:

* Washing the dishes helps you to wash away the grief. Circular motions correspond to the circle of life.
* Vacuuming gets rid of the dust and the cobwebs, the regrets which cling and keep you stuck, as you inhale stale air and allergens. Vacuuming helps you to move forward and breathe a purer air, a more authentic version of yourself.
* Cleaning the windows lets in the light when you feel sad, unable to step outside. Afterwards, you can sit or stand by the window, relax and watch others. Moreover, when you open a window, you get ready to step outside and join the good energy – first you rehearse it in your mind and then you do it.
* Cleaning the bathroom helps you to get the crap out of your life or neutralize what pisses you off.  You need to move toxins out of your body and your mind.
* Mopping the floor keeps you in the moment, an opportunity not to think about your worries; otherwise, if you are not fully present to what you are doing, you can slip and slide and fall back into an old issue.
* Overall, housecleaning is great exercise to be envied by gym goers. And exercise efficiently alleviates anxiety and moves stress hormones out of the body.

The next time you clean your space, create a specific intention, a stress-reducing mental component corresponding to the physical act. For example, when you are clearing out spoiled fruit in your refrigerator to make room for fresh, new fruit consider if there might be some spoiled, toxic relationship you need to throw away? Or when you are dusting, polishing your furniture to a brilliant shine, consider what might be holding you back from shining?

But... More importantly- it's not my problem. 

Constantly Choosing

I have had a bazillion discussions (ahem) with my spouse about how we CHOOSE how we feel. I have tried my best to explain that everyone CHOOSES to get angry, sad, anxious or whatever.
Nobody MAKES me mad-  I choose to react in an angry way when someone says something that hits a nerve. But I could also choose to ignore it.
Nobody makes me sad- I choose to accept an insult when one is aimed at me. Or, I choose NOT to accept it because it is only ME that is insulted if I choose that accept those words.
I have learned this year that semantics are everything.
Language.
Words.
They are everything.
If you say "You're bad" when you mean "Your behavior is bad" these are entirely different statements. Is the person bad? Or is what they are DOING bad? Important differentiation.
"I hate you".
"I hate what you are doing".
See what I mean? Totally different.
"You piss me off". (also "You make me angry")
"What you are doing pisses me off".
Actually, you chose to react in either situation. You chose your feelings.
You choose.
Know you have power.
Power in your words, power on your CHOOSING how to react.
Use your power. Use your choice.

If I Were A Boy

Beyoncé
Madonna

My all time two favorite bra burner videos OF. ALL. TIME.

Ok and this video's another all time fave just because I love the dance off.
RUN DMC


But seriously. I post them because recently I received my Oxfam newsletter where they ask you 'Hey, Can you give money to people in other countries that don't have what you have?' Of course you can. I don't care what situation you are in. We have a lot where we are. I can go without something for you in a third world country. I can. I can cut back more. I can. I can share what I have with you.

I can tell you clearly- definitely- that I have been keenly curious about women's rights since birth. It's no lie. I have questioned why my mom was at home. Why my Nana was nicknamed PET by her husband. Why my Nana was pulled from school in her teens to care for her mother who fell down the stairs. Why my Mom read me books that were about female heroines- about women who rose to the occasion all the time. In my 20s she gave me a book called LEGENDS about various women through history who changed world events. I also purchased books by Emily Murphy. I get it. I have seen what has transpired for my Nana, my Mom and what is in front of me and my daughter.

What if I had been born in... Ethiopia in 1973? Or Iran? Anywhere else? Why I came through into this world where I did was shit luck. Nobody gets to choose their existence or experience in this life. It is not their choosing or fault that they face the challenges they do.

And is it strange for us to realize that girls in other areas of the world have it worse? Certainly they do. We sponsor a girl in the Philippines. She is six. Her name is Christine. I hope she is okay in light of the recent storms and I will write and ask her. I'm going to send her a necklace in the mail for Xmas. I want her to know that someone somewhere far, far away is thinking about her.

So- do yourself a favor. Consider other people's experiences. Other childhoods. People who are immigrants. Know that they have different references than we do. Different commitments or priorities. And regardless- one woman to another- we need to support each other.

Gratitude

20 things you can do !!!

Remind yourself everyday of the people and relationships for which you’re thankful. Whatever method you use, be grateful for what you have.

1. Love the one you're with.

2. Give thanks daily.

3. Listen instead of talking. 

4. Volunteer your time.

5. Give a larger tip than usual.

6. Look people in the eye.

7. Smile and mean it. 

8. Resist the urge to talk about people. 

9. Be patient.

10. Give thoughtful gifts.

11. Surprise the one you love.

12. Send a thank you note.

13. Give a good hug.

14. Pay a sincere compliment.

15. Acknowledge the negative parts of your life.

16. Give your dog an extra long walk.

17. Call a friend that needs to talk.

18. Donate more than you’re comfortable donating.

19. Learn to love yourself.

20. Resist the urge to judge.  

SHOULDA WOULDA COULDA

I probably couldn't keep count of the times in the day when I use these words: should, would, could. I should have done this. I could have done that. I would do this, but I can't or won't.
But do you ever think about the POWER of those words?
What does it mean to say that "YOU SHOULD"? What is the power behind that phrase? It wasn't until I went through therapy this year that I was asked to look at that. It's something I said to myself constantly. "SHOULD" is the s-word. Should says that you are expected to do or be something that you are not. Should says that you aren't doing it currently, but geez you are supposed to be! Boy, you really aren't at your best, are you? You SHOULD be more. You SHOULD be better. Yikes! Behind the word should is often a belief or decision that you may want to question. When you say this S-word, ask yourself what you felt you SHOULD be and why did you think that?! Who says!? Who told you that you SHOULD?
Let's look at when we say it. Sometimes [if it's a task that you were given] you'll catch yourself saying damn! I should get that done! Really you're saying shit, I forgot about that! It's on my list! I better get to it before I forget. It's still a demand on yourself. It's still an expectation and something you're supposed to do although perhaps a legitimately time sensitive issue. Should is a future task that asks us to do something soon or in our future.
It's when we use should towards ourselves that we need to examine what we inwardly said, thought or felt that it can be questionable.
If we look at Should's cousins- WOULDA COULDA- we're travelling on a similar path. Woulda is the power-less version of Shoulda. Shoulda feels bad because he couldn't do it or feels he NEEDS to. He woulda but he just isn't able. It's not possible, he just isn't capable. I wistfully wish that I could be or do enough to have done it, or been able to achieve it, but I just wasn't capable or didn't think of it. It's always a past issue. I would have done X but I did Z. If only I'd had XYZ then I could have done ABC. It's a sense of lack. A sense of regret.
How about "Could"?
I could have this if I just... I could be this if I just... I could do this if I just... This could be great if... This could be terrible if... It could have been better. It could have been worse. Could is that silly space where we consider the possibilities that didn't occur, or that may occur if we consider them.
My therapist asked me to pay close attention to how I use my words. I'm famous for self-deprecating language and saying things to myself or at myself that can totally undermine my own personal efforts. Someone will ask me how my day is and I will answer "ask me later!".. like I haven't decided how it is yet! Or I'll tell myself that I should be finding more time, or that I would have more if I just did this, or that if I could just settle for less-or if I could have more- that I would be happier.
Semantics are everything.
You better believe it!

When IS the right time!?

Talking to someone the other day about when "the right time" is to have kids, it made me think about my own thought process about this over the years.
In my twenties I had decided quite vehemently that I would NOT have kids. I felt that too many people did it for the 'wrong reasons' or did not put enough thought into it. I felt the world was over-populated. I felt that I should have the RIGHT to not have children. More than anything I really wanted to make a decision that was... somehow not expected, not "normal", not 'what everyone else does'. I had gotten married at 23 and within months everyone was asking "so when are you having kids'. Of course this pissed me off. Was I expected to do so? Is that what women are SUPPOSED to do, is get married and make babies?! What frickin year was this, what an archaic stupid question!!! Being asked all the time only made me more and more irritated about what was expected of newlyweds and I said HELL NO WE ARE NOT HAVING KIDS! Meanwhile my sister and brother went ahead and had children and watching my sister's belly grow I thought omg I am DEFINITELY not doing that! It looks terrifying! How the hell can your body get so large and pass a baby through your ... oh lord, I didn't even want to think about how much that would hurt. Why would I want to do this? I was terrified of the whole process. Again, cemented my convictions NOT to have kids.
Into my mid and late thirties my relationship began dissolving (for other reasons) and I began concentrating on my career. By 36 I was divorced, moved into a new relationship, moved into my career (leaned into my career) but I began thinking about whether I was all that committed to my previous beliefs about not having children?
In my new workplace I was surrounded by other women who were within my age range (36-40) who were suddenly pregnant AND in management. I quickly realized hey, maybe I *CAN* do both? Maybe it's not a choice between having a career and a family(?) One of the women had a stay at home husband and the other was a SINGLE woman who found herself pregnant but had her mother's support. My spouse was a part time worker who would prefer to be home, and so I found myself thinking about whether starting a family could be a possibility in the near future? Maybe I should think about whether we wanted a baby? Or was it too late? Or was the "right time" finally coming? I had other considerations as well, like my spouse was an only child and both parents were passed. It left only him. I thought maybe I was being selfish deciding not to have children- what if he wanted one? What if he *needed* a family and a sense of belonging?
By age 38 -in the Spring- I had been transferred back to my home province within a few hours drive of both my parents and my sister. By late Fall in October I found out I was pregnant. I spent my pregnancy affirming that my body was made for birthing and certainly if my other friends were able to do this, then certainly I could. I said to myself regularly that I was in the right place at the right time and this was going to turn out great.
It absolutely is a huge decision that involves a lot of humming and hawing. People say having them early means by the time they graduate then YOU have time for yourself earlier. But my argument was that then you lose your 20s and 30s to child rearing, don't have your career established yet, probably have a little more financial stress buying a home, getting everything going in your life. Then others say having them later in life when you DO have your career established, are well into a mortgage etc, that you are "too well rooted' in your personal routines and lack energy to chase after a baby. Personally I feel like things worked out for the best and that waiting until my later years was actually perfect ...for me. I didn't feel that my "routine" was altered. In fact in retrospect I think wow, what the hell was I wasting my time on before this!? Suddenly I find hours available in my day to play with my busy toddler daughter, grocery shop, work & commute 11 hrs a day and somehow find a few minutes for me and my spouse. 
So is there a right time? Are you ever 'prepared'? I don't think you are, or that there is a perfect time, but having said that- ANY time is the right time and you will find that when you do have your child (if you choose to do so) that you suddenly were prepared and you always were.

Girls, Girls, Girls

Since as early as I can remember I have been very aware of gender roles.
When I was really young and beginning to read my mom would read us her favorite books from childhood, which were cloth-bound and written in the 1910-teens. The books were series about girls, written FOR girls of that time period. They were her mom's books from her childhood, and so I found them exceptionally intriguing. The books were usually about a heroine who got into various predicaments and with the help of her skillful friends, she would overcome them or solve the mystery. (I'm sure you instantly think Nancy Drew but this was a generation before she came out) No, these were about a young girl sent away to camp, or an orphan girl sent to live with a relative, or some similar type story to Sarah Crew. At any rate it was not until my adult years that I realized that these girls in 1910-ish were extremely progressive for their time. Some had paying jobs, or some form of independence and certainly a rebellious streak that often resulted in trouble. If we look back at this time period the Suffragette movement itself was only beginning and for women to have any such rights like employment or independence were certainly questionable at best. One of our heroines was even an actress who had "love making scenes" (gasp! involving KISSES with a male actor!) What a harlot!
Anyhoo, I'm glad my mom read us these. It made me see that a not-so-distant history had a very different lifestyle for girls than the one that I was afforded in the 1980s when I was growing up and reading these. It made me notice that my Nana was called "Pet" as a nickname from her husband which I thought that was pretty weird and a little derogatory, although my mom when questioned said it was an affectionate name. I just hadn't ever HER call my dad that and couldn't help but note that it wasn't shared female to male(?) Nana never called her husband anything other than "Dear"...
Recently I read LEAN IN by Sheryl Sandberg. I found about a bazillion things in her book that made sense to me,or that I related to. Her Nana was called "Girlie" so not too far off from "Pet". She noted that women lean BACK when contemplating career paths, as though we have to choose between being a mother and continuing a career. In fact when I was dealing with my post partum I read a book called "I didn't know it would be like this" which also discussed the gender roles and how women face impossible odds quantifying their decisions to either lean back or lean in to their careers or families, or try to balance both. The simple truth is regardless of which you do, you are screwed. Selfish if you continue a career, and lazy or inept if you choose to stay home or work part time.
Being a new mom to a girl I have definitely noticed my feelings about women's rights, or equality, about the world she is going to grow up in. I've seen young girls in the news commit suicide over bullying and being blackmailed by their peer boys to email or message compromising photos of themselves. I think -what can I do as her guardian to guide her through all this?
Last week my mom said enthusiastically that she wanted to buy her a toy oven for xmas. I kind of groaned and said yno, I would prefer a less stereotypical toy, maybe something less gender oriented? I pointed out a cute ride on Jeep (although pink...) for her instead. Mom said "or maybe I should get her a hammer and nails?" Good lord let's swing the other way completely? Sure or how about you get her a toy chainsaw and a red and black checkered jacket!? Wth. How about neutral, like a counting book or alphabet learning something?!
Oy...
Just released in the news is this report GENDER EQUALITY INDEX where Canada ranks #20 in the world for equality. The States is behind us as #23, the best are Finland and its neighbours, and the worst are Chad, Pakistan and others at the bottom. I'm not entirely shocked but I am thrilled to see the report point out that it is the MATERNITY leave support that makes the difference between the BEST countries and North America. Specifically the policies in place are

mandatory paternal leave in combination with maternity leave

generous parental leave benefits provided through a combination of social insurance

funds and employers,

post-maternity re-entry programmes

My personal "beef" is this exactly since I really believe that women in general feel they need to choose their families over their careers, and why we don't have more trying to move ahead. What if they had support to re-enter from maternity leave? What if they had their spouse helping them during that time?
Although I'm lucky to have 16 weeks paid from my employer for mat leave I confess I felt this was quite inadequate. Had I been a nurse, teacher, police officer, or even a Van City (bank) employee I would have received much more supportive maternity leave benefits for a much longer term. To boot there is no easy integration back into the workforce, you simplyt return to your regular pace, regular job immediately with the expectation that you have then retained your "prior self" somewhere to pull out on demand. (As if !!!!) But you know, had I had the option I would have loved to come back in a graduated basis EARLY to keep my head in the business, give me a much needed break from my changing home-life and effectively create a balance as I returned over time to normal hours and duties. How life changing would this have been for me.
It's not my employer's fault that we do not have these tools in place. This is society-wide. Certainly it's far worse for my female counterparts in the USA who have virtually no PAID maternity leave benefits in their social net although they are generously allowed a full 12 weeks UNPAID to gather themselves back up. Thanks, Uncle Sam!
For all the advancements we have made there are still so many to overcome that we will certainly not see in our lifetime. I can only journal my experiences for my daughter to reflect on in her baby book where I write everything that I feel will serve her at some future point.
Speaking of society wide- just LOOK at the commercials we see for toys and products for young girls. OMFG. It makes me cringe. How about a BOY getting a stove for Xmas? I mean, he has loads of MALE CHEFS to point at to say hey; it's cool to be a cook. But will we ever see commercials of a boy cooking at a toy stove!? RIIIIIGHT!? Girls commercials are all about looking pretty, or household chores, etc. Hell even commercials for women MY AGE suck badly, and I point to the Cascade Kitchen Counsellor ones here!!! Two sisters fighting over their clean house or dishwasher as though this is what establishes our WORTH is how effing clean our homes or dishes are?! WTF is that?! Even the counselor is female, because it's women who talk about feelings, right. For the love of the small children.
*groan*
Guys commercials- AXE deoderants and body sprays. Sexual attraction ads. Or the KFC commercials where Husband goes in and accuses KFC employee of hitting on his wife through their deals on food. Like he owns his wife and is asserting his territorial rights over her or something. Yeah, it's everywhere.
Watch for it, note it, think about it.
Then question it.

My Year In Print..

It's been quite a year. I spent much of 2013 trying to dig my way out from under post partum depression. Much of the Spring was spent under a dark wet blanket of sadness. I am so glad that I completed the mental health program called Bounceback and received CBT from a great psychiatrist & psychologist. I am still seeing them & continue to do "self work" reading etc. 

Being back at work has been empowering. I have felt like "I can do this" more so than feeling "I am solely responsible for providing for my family & feel incredibly overwhelmed by that responsibility". And I felt so vulnerable- I told myself that "I am a walking disaster making constant huge life altering mistakes". Pretty low. Look at that self defeating language. The heaviness of what I was telling myself- and eagerly believing- was sinking me like a rock in a pond. 

Today I have a much better tape in my mind. I feel capable. I have all the things in my life that I need. A house, car, a great job, my health, a supportive partner & a great thriving toddler daughter. I don't care if things I own are not "new" or "the latest"- I'm just humbled to even have them at all. I have discovered that I am even more resourceful & thrifty than before. I learned better habits so I could release fifty some odd pounds. All those things "that went wrong" in my life (that felt so important as they happened) are done and the worst is truly behind me. 

I know emphatically that I've done absolutely everything in my power to overcome ... everything. 

And that's all anyone can do.

Merry Christmas

MerryXmas to all !!!
Best wishes to everyone this holiday season..!

Six month growth spurt

Joy! No more sleep! Thank god, for a few weeks there I almost felt rested! That was terrible!
Yes- we are hitting that feverish "I cannot eat enough and am wide awake without naps" six month point. Yaaaaay!!! Lol :) Actually it's pretty stunning how noticable this one is. We changed her diaper together & looked at each other saying "wow, look at how thick she's gotten... suddenly...!"
Pretty amazing. She goes for her next shots in 2wks so we will find out her weight then. I'm going to wager 15 pounds maybe. Let's see if I am right!!

TV Zombie

In a few weeks I am back to work.
I am glad to go back because truly, I am turning into a fat lump of a tv zombie. What a time waster TV is, and yet it's so hard not to get sucked into some shows! Right now I'm completely sucked into The Walking Dead (which even when I was at work I was watching online after it aired, and will continue to do so), of course Sons of Anarchy (which I never did watch on TV since it didn't air in Canada at first so we have always watched online), pretty well any show on SLICE (Til Debt Do Us Part, Princess, The Mistress, Intervention...) It's ridiculous the amount of television I am watching daily. Stupid. I have even considered cancelling cable to force myself to find more constructive use of time. I may still do this. I didn't have cable for about a year and a half in Manitoba and I really didn't miss it.
I have also started a daily habit of writing 5 things to be grateful for and doing a daily mental exercise of acceptance. I have to laugh because that's the only exercise I've been getting LOL but hey- one thing at a time =)
Can you believe it? Only a matter of weeks until Xmas and The New Year 2013! Where the heck do the months and YEARS go...? It's so weird how fast time flies - I remember in school I would think wow, is this everrrrr going to be over? Am I everrrrr going to be an adult!? I can't waaaaait to be older. Too funny! (Actually I kept all my diaries from high school too- I never did keep one consistently when I was under the age of 12 but once I hit high school I POURED myself into diaries. I thought, if I ever have a daughter, I am totally going to read them with her)
And now- here we are =)
I'm also keeping a diary right now in which I am writing "to my daughter" about her, about what things I want her to know, about what things I want her to know are IMPORTANT. I wrote last month, for instance, about how it doesn't matter what other people think. You have to know in your heart that you are ok how you are. If people have crappy things to say about you or to you, then bless them and wish them well. Send them some love and send them on their way. I suppose with the whole focus on bullying I realize the world she is growing up in is different than the one I did. But, the values remain the same, the lessons are the same although probably delivered differently.
Last week it was John's grandma's 91st birthday. Ninety one! Can you imagine what things were "modern" in her prime? Do you think if you told her, when she was a kid, that when she was 91 yrs old she would be FACE TIMING with an iPHONE to her great grand daughter? Can you think about what might be around when WE are 91? Can you even imagine what may be possible? Will we teleport to each other!? Will there be no screens for computers, just "floating images" like Princess Leila's message about Obe Wan Kinobe in Star Wars?! No televisions, just projection systems that are the size of an iPhone?
I am hoping to start a New Years trend with my little family. I would like to make a paper mache time capsule -say, out of a xmas wrapping paper tube- in which we will put a current year-end news paper clipping about the top stories of that year. Add in photos of us, each of us will write a list of things we think will be happening or technology that will come out in 20 yrs. We will write on the time capsule : open in (ie) 2023 (10 years away from when you made it) And we'll make one every year as we go, keep them in with our Xmas decorations, seal them up really good, TOTALLY forget what we wrote and - when our little girl is grown up- we will LAUGH hysterically when we open them 10 yrs in the future. Won't that be fun!

Walking Dead- new episode! Walk With Me....

Suuuuch an interesting show. I love that they explore the demise of society, the very very basic human needs, the rise and fall of community and society, communism and dictatorship, trust and betrayal. Today was exceptionally well written in that it compared two leaders: Rick and The [new]Governor.

Questions that I have now? Oh so many...

-what's in that tea?! I have a feeling this is going to be extremely important.

-was it really necessary for The Governor to kill the military guys? Would they not have served a greater purpose behind the walls of Woodbury protecting it from walkers? They still would have gotten all their ammo and vehicles, their gas, their equipment... plus they would have gotten critically trained personnel to aid them in protecting their city(?) I understand The Governor's modas operandi is to go out beyond The Walls and salvage everything he can (with his few trusted minions) for the good of the chosen few behind The Walls. But I will need to watch this more in upcoming episodes to understand his decision making(?)

-was it really necessary for Rick to let that one prisoner run into the prison courtyard and get eaten by other walkers? I can see not trusting that one prisoner dude he killed(?) who obviously had some seriously lethal tendencies. But the other guys? Were they all immediately not trustworthy?? I don't know who, in this new broken diseased world, IS trustworthy and who is not. But is there no strength in numbers? Should those that are The Survivors not all band together for better odds at survival? Or is that an impossible dream? Or was it that they were deemed not trustworthy being prisoners/ incarcerated in the first place...?

-how are they powering this whole city? Even if they had generators the amount of gas they would consume would be epic. Do they have a water dam or something!?

-where did these military guys come from? Are there more?! That chopper takes a specific type of fuel, and a lot of it in order to fly distances, so this makes me wonder its source...

-who were those armless, jawless walkers that Michonne kept with her? Brothers? Husband? Kid? I didn't catch this information if it was given this episode...
-

Organize, organize, organize!!

Ever find that when you CLEAN and ORGANIZE things in the house that you just realized were bothering you, that in doing so you somehow untangle your head?!
Yesterday I got one piece of my puzzle started. I picked up a $13 piece of 8 foot melamine shelving and took it home. I figured if I was right in my guesstimation, if I stuck it on top of a couple little dressers I had that I could create a makeshift desk system. I didn't pre-measure, I didn't double check, I just thought hey, if 8 feet is too long I'll just cut it to fit.
As luck would have it, 8 feet was EXACTLY the length I needed.
I put the "desk" together today. I have my laptop plugged in, my printer set up, various documents and papers temporarily stuffed in various drawers. My future task is to methodically sort and file everything and edit what I *need* to keep and what I can burn in the paper garbage.
Now that I created one new functional space, I realize I have two other project areas I could easily fix with the same material: my daughter's closet space and our closet. BOTH are packed with STUFF. Blankets, sheets, shoes, dishes (don't ask), wrapping paper, empty boxes for gift wrapping, clothes that are too big for her, ohhhh the list goes on and on. Some of it I can very likely send to a thrift store; there's just waaay too much of it (especially receiving blankets... holymother..). Some of it I can box up. And some of it needs to be put on shelves. In her closet if I redesign the whole space and put in three long one foot deep shelves I can really make effective use of it.
Project Three: We also have an excellent collection of vintage cameras from the 1940s up. I would hate to sell these; they're so very cool. They sorely need a display cabinet of some kind. Sitting in a bucket in the closet is doing them zero justice. I have the cabinet, I just need to put them in there.
I just need to "put my house in order". And I will.

/unplug me

I'm probably (definitely?!) in the minority when I say "I do not want to be connected to everyone". By this I mean... by Facebook, by Twitter, by iPad, by iPhone, by Gmail, shared calendars, shared this, shared that. For the love of Jesus, how much MORE connected can or will society get?! (Or should I say "disconnected"??)
I was just setting up a new Outlook email account recently and it gives you a million options like "sharing your calendars between all your devices"... I was like whaaaa...?? Sooo if I'm out and about in a meeting with my iPhone I can potentially "post" to my iPhone calendar that I have XYZ meeting and then it gets "shared & posted" on my MSN hotmail/ live account also for whomever I choose to see this??! Yerrr... is this, like, necessary, this inter-device cross-sharing stuff!? HUH!?
I'm perhaps sounding a little hypocritical since here I am publicly blogging, but truly I could make this blog private and I'd still write the same stuff. I really don't care either which way whether it's read or not, whether it's public or not, whether I "reach someone" or not. I am not here looking for commentary, for replies or for validation. I can just as easily text, email or phone anyone I wanted to contact to tell them whatever it is I'm writing about. I just don't quite get the whooooole "share our whole lives" on Facebook and Twitter thing. Posting our kids most recent recital pictures.. or blurting out what you just did on Twitter.... Maybe I'm too detached or cynical, but do that many people really care what you just said or did or posted? And even if they do, what the hell...!? Ugh, I just reeeeally don't get it. Where do people get the time to do this anyways? Are you supposed to glue yourself to your iPhone or iPad and constantly read everyone's updates? That's a full time JOB, if you do that...
I dunno.
I just read somes guy's rant on Forbes that said people who were not connected or did not use social media are going to be, at some point, considered outcasts(?!) or regarded as sociopaths. Nice =P I suppose in one respect I am "missing" (not just the POINT but...) the usefulness of FB and Twitter in being able to (ie) connect to a movement, or join a cause, or meet likeminded people to discuss a topic. I just figured that's what online forums are for(?)
Anyhoo. I just don't get it. I'm ok with being an outcast =P

I had no idea Yoda could be made from paper. Who knew! I did know that you can make flowers, stars, xmas balls, hanging ceiling ornaments and other great things from paper which is something I hope to do this year to add to our already great collection of paper xmas goods. I miss "doing Xmas". We haven't had a decorated Xmas in a long time and yet as kids, our house was all lights, all ornaments, all red and green from around the 1st of December on. I know that our little Peanut isn't going to recall her first Xmas but certainly I think its fun to start our first yr in the house with some decorations and house lights. I have to pick up some free xmas lights from Craigslist and get them up on the house soon. And while I have time at home, make some paper ornaments. Maybe even Yoda. Do or do not, there is no try.

 

There's a news story right now about a young BC girl (15) who took her own life last night; her name was Amanda Todd. It sounds, from all accounts, like she was bullied and tormented by her peers both online and in person. I watched her video and I cried. I really feel so badly for this poor girl who felt so alone and so worthless.
Worse- the comments on the videos made by heartless (teenage?) trolls. I can only hope that her parents, relatives or friends don't read them or ignore them.
I can't help but wonder how we- meaning the community at large- failed her(?) Maybe I'm not the right person to discuss this, because I could ask myself if I failed someone who did the same thing. It's a question you are left with afterwards: did I do enough? Could I have prevented this? Why didn't I do anything? Why didn't I do *more*??
Sad. Very sad.
I hope her family manages ok in these first hours, days and weeks. I remember how hard it was.

Wow, almost 4 months already? Little hard to believe -it went by so fast. Finding it funny that she was born quite literally with no chin but now has one, AND a spare. From tiny beginnings she has grown into a well fed, little roly poly baby. I wouldn't suggest at all that she is overweight, just that she was those baby rolls on her chin, upper thighs and wrists that are tell tale of growth. In fact she has grown quite literally about an inch per week since birth. No wonder they encourage you to massage your baby these days!

Being Thanksgiving here in Canada I have a lot to be grateful for. We have fantastic weather (still plus 18 today). I live a short walk to both a beautiful river and the ocean and see mountains pretty well every direction I look. I have a lovely little baby, a great partner, a groovy little house with some land, a great job with really really awesome coworkers- just sooo many things to be thankful for.



 

 

A.D.D?

This being on maternity leave thing is a mixed blessing.
Yes, it's borderline necessary to be off in order to effectively nurse your baby and bond in these early months. I don't know how women manage without it (particularly in the USA it seems) Either they do not have maternity leave benefits or options, or as students (ie University or otherwise) it's not an option. But- when you're used to being at work for 45-50 hours a week, it's pretty weird to be home-bound AND baby-bound!
What I'm finding most is that I have developed total Attention Deficit Disorder. I was originally immersed in renovating my house, but somehow that fizzled, and I'm surrounded now by half finished projects all over the place. I tried turning my attention to post-baby dieting, but after 3 weeks that fell apart as well. Now, I spend countless hours entering online contests determined to win *something* - ANYTHING!- as my latest obsession. I have a million other things that I could and should be doing, but my focus is pathetic. I could be uploading items for sale on Ebay since I'm surrounded by things in my house that I really don't need. I could be going for walks every day, or painting my hallway, finishing my ceiling painting, completing a cabinet I started fixing up, or even doing laundry which is in a half-finished state.
Ugh!
I can't even finish this post! lol

Nature of the Beast

Hard to believe she is already at 11 weeks old.

ALREADY!
Where did the time go!?
I have to say (and this is with no reference WHATSOEVER) she is a really, really great baby. Sure, she cries when her diaper is bad or she's hungry (wow, THOSE are cries...!) but otherwise? She is a happy little monkey.
It's just amazing how much they grow, and in such short time. Just weeks ago we were worried about her putting on the pounds since she was born at 6 pounds on the dot. Days later she dropped like a stone to 5 pounds 5 ounces! We spent most of the remainder of June and most of July working on getting her up to birthweight again, and beyond. Today she must be well over 12 pounds. DOUBLE where she started! WTH!
Life has taken on a whole new routine- which is run entirely by this little boss lady. We eat after she's eaten, we clean when she naps, we shop when she naps- actually, we do as much as we can when she naps! Sometimes that's a lot and sometimes it's just however long she decides to sleep for, whether minutes or hours. Last few days my abilitiy to work on any renovations here has seen very little progress, which is okay! Prior to that I was working like a maniac painting ceilings and walls and the fireplace. Having a few days of a slower pace is a good thing. Today I actually managed to clean the bathroom and do half the dishes. That's it. The beds aren't made, the floors aren't swept, the laundry isn't done. Oh, and I got in a shower and some blogging time (check out my new blog, Redneck Reno). Day to day, it's a different animal. It just depends on what this little beast wants =)


34 degrees with the humidex!

Soooo hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot......

Apparently our baby has experienced (and is currently in) growth spurts! Around 10 days ago or so she was eating like she was starving. I thought it was me... I figured I wasn't giving her enough milk(?) since my supply was noticably waning. But here we are again, with decent supply, regular feedings, and yet she is eating and eating and EATING huge amounts of formula with seemingly no end in sight. She screams like someone is knifing her in the belly if you take her food away, even if just to wipe her chin while she is eating! At the doctors the other day she now measures 8lbs 2 oz which is a full 2 pounds over where she was as of July 9th when she was 7lbs 3oz (I think? I need to confirm the ounces on this midwife visit...) Now that I look back at her previous recorded weights (July 4 was 6lbs 13oz) I can truly see that yes, she was in a growth spurt there at the 3 week point and at our 6 week point (now) we are there again. Makes sense!

Little unnerving not knowing these things- the balding, the growth spurt feeding frenzy, much like the coma-like sleep in the initial weeks that I also didn't know about. Quite an enlightening experience, this parenthood! But good to know she's ok and normal and growing, rather than under nourished and colicky. I much prefer the other news...!!!

Over and out...

happy canada day...!

Happy Canada Day! Hard to really believe that it is July with the cooler weather we have had on the West Coast this year. It's been really quite poor, and certainly not a summer for us, and yet the rest of North America seems to be practically on FIRE (or literally!?) with the high temps. Middle and Eastern Canada are feeling summer temperatures- Alberta and British Columbia are getting hailed on, rained on and clouded over. The meteorologists coined the phrase JUNE-UARY to describe our weather here last month. Poor, at best.

Hopefully we get our typical "Indian Summer" where temperatures pickup in August into September- it would be great to get some heat here and head to the beach with the baby.

Baby is finally growing, now that she is in her third week here on "The Outside".... Her first two weeks she spent working at getting her birth weight back. Now we are about 3/4 of a pound over birth weight which is great. Huge gains this week, to our relief. Being a small baby (six pounds) we want to see her fatten up and grow! Of course anyone who is a parent knows that if you have more food going in, it must come out, which means mom is in a whole pile of poop. In fact I better go and do my duty, since I believe my little girl just did her doody....



Changes for everyone!

It appears to have become an annual Canadian trend now: changing the mortgage lending rules. Last year they reduced the amount you could refinance down to 85% and the amortization down to 30 years. Year before that they rolled the refinance to 90 from 95%.... or something. Every year there is something taken away. As of July 9, it happens again- amortization periods are now maxed at 25 yrs and the refinance goes to only 80%, AND your debt ratio needs to be lower . I get the they are trying to keep runaway markets under control (see article here) but to apply this like a blanket to all of Canada seems unfair (?) And sure every Canadian views their home as their main asset. I'd say a lot of us use that equity when we can, or when we have to, but increasingly we have less and less access to that equity *UNLESS* we sell and move. Even then, you'd have to calculate whether after paying realtor fees and other sales related costs (plus the hassle) it would be worth selling and moving.
I had planned, when we purchased this place, to refinance next year at renewal time and swallow some of our debts into the mortgage knowing that we would only be able to access 85% of the value. With these new rules, unless our place appraises at about $250k or better (yerrrr, extremely unlikely??) it's not going to be enough to make it a worthwhile fight. I'm going to have to wade through financial muck for the next 5 yrs after this. Not going to be easy but it's just the road that lies ahead.
So. I've been thinking lately: now that we have a little family and we have these piling debts that threaten to literally consume us (or require a consumer proposal), it's obvious that we need to really REALLY get into a better headspace to reduce our costs, like making more of our own food... canning things... pickling things... learning how to make bread and other foods from scratch... planning our trips "into town" to save gas... things like that. And -because we have so many little PROJECTS around here- just taking a daily stab at doing just ONE thing per day to fix something. Maybe tomorrow it's fixing the bathroom sink drain that doesn't work. Maybe the day after that it's painting one door frame. Or landscaping. Silly, cheap little fixes that if we just pick away one at a time, within a year (and certainly the next 3-5 yrs while we erase this debt) this will be an unrecognizable space.
A few months ago someone introduced me to the 100 things in 100 days idea. It's just a great way to bite off chewable amounts every day in any area of your life, whether its weight loss or decluttering or learning something new. I feel like now is a good time to *try* this while I am able to focus on my family and establishing some family (especially health?) habits. I'm going to try to (re)start my journalling and see if I can regain this focus. It's the best thing I can do for me and for my daughter and family.

Parenthood!

June 11 at 12:0pm we became parents!

Our beautiful little daughter was born, c-section, full head of brown hair and sharp little dark eyes. She is a tiny baby- born at just 6 lbs measuring 18.5 inches long. In the week since birth she has lost a substantial amount of weight. She dropped (at her lowest) to 5lbs 5oz but has climbed in recent days up to 5lbs 9oz. We are feeding her every 2 hours to try to get her weight up which is a little draining for all of us! She is otherwise perfectly healthy- shiny bright eyes that follow everything around her, big little feet and hands(!) that we jokingly say predict her future height.
We are so happy to start this new path~ it's such an amazingly great overwhelming week that just passed..! So many great moments to come...

We are days away from meeting our baby girl! Monday June 11 we have our scheduled cesarian since she either cannot or will not flip from breech. I have spent the past week trying any and all alternatives to get her to move from this position. Despite every effort including ECV there has been no success in doing so. I can only conclude that either she will not or cannot move from this position. I was told today from my midwife that she has seen some babies pulled out by cesarian than are held so low in the pelvis that there is almost a suction that is noted when the baby's hips are pulled out. At any rate, I think it's important that she come into this world safely. The resources being what they are here in this smaller community, this seems to be the only reasonable option since they simply do not deliver breech. Certainly this has been an eye opening learning experience finding this out(?) and exploring more information about breech birth and birth options in general. It's amazing to me that depending on where you live geographically your birth experiences and options can change dramatically. One would hope that birth, being a universal experience, would then have universal methods of dealing with it. But strangely, practitioners in different communities, different cultures, different countries all have different training, policies or procedures. That's just very interesting to me. Something that impacts how every single one of us gets here... bizarre.

The past week and a bit have been getting tougher physically. Hard to get in and out of bed, hard to move with any sort of grace, and a lot of huffing and puffing sounds to get mobile. Lots of heartburn, lower initiative. I try to do something, find it more difficult than I anticipate and I have to quit. Today is proving to be one of those days where I am faced with that. This is of course more of a mental challenge than physical. I have some uneasiness with giving up when I feel quite strongly that I should *try* to do a little more. But here I am, 9 months pregnant, carrying an added 35 pounds around in a very concentrated physical area(!) and I have to recognize and come to terms with my limitations. Pretty irritating.

Weather is only supposed to cooperate today. Rainy forecast all week, which motivates me to hang wash on the line and stare at all the things I should or could be doing outside- none of which I am capable of. Inside, I stare at a whole pile of OTHER things that if I had the money, energy and drive I would also do, so there is no escape from it regardless of where I hide myself!

All I can do is accept what is. I've done what I can, we have all we need, so what if the grass grows or the floors aren't clean. Screw it. The focus is elsewhere.

Well, we tried.
Over the weekend I tried Pulsatilla. I tried handstands. I tried downward dog. I tried pillows to elevate my bum. I tried flashlights and music. And finally today, I tried the ECV with the Obgyn at the hospital. We did just about every attempt there is (*just about*) to move the baby from breech to "normal" head down position. Her bum is firmly wedged in my pelvis and she cannot or will not move at this time.
I will, however, continue to *try* to move her. I will try chiropractic. I will try accupuncture. I will try to find an inversion table to borrow this weekend. I will try visualization and possibly another Body Talk session. I'll try everything I can.
My options- failing her changing position on her own- are pretty limited. If I had the financial resources, I *could* hang around Vancouver for 1-2 weeks near the Women's Hospital, near my due date, hope to go into active labour there and be delivered breech as-is where there are physicians and specialists who are familiar with breech birth and can and will do so. On the island (allegedly?) this does not exist. For fun, I will try to see if anyone in Victoria might?? I suspect my first stage of labour would be long anyways, and it might be possible to entertain the idea of driving down to deliver there if we are quick to move...
My other option, should I choose to stay local, is to just simply accept the concept of C-Section and elect to plan the birth here with the ObGyn. I just have so many *feelings* about this, including this overwhelming need to *prove* to myself that I can birth on my own. I really wanted to *own* that right of passage. And yet part of me is prepared to resign, acknowledges the "safety" features a cesarian birth offers vs a breech birth... no cone heads... no forceps... no vacuums... How conflicting. I hear good things from women who have had the CS process- and I know more than a few who have- with positive thigns to say. And I know that the end result, no matter which way it happens, is BIRTH! Both ways we will meet her! I am trying to keep this thought at the forefront.
Interesting repeating lesson in my life this past year though, which is this: don't expect things to happen or unfold as you think they will. Look at the house purchase. Tried to do so six ways from Sunday over a 13 month span, and in the end, after I gave up absolutely everything financially, once I bid on a house that was THE cheapest I had looked at and we were at the eleventh hour in the pregnancy... THEN it worked. Maybe with this birth I need to exhaust absolutely every effort to move her from breech, and in the end, at the last minute, accept that the result will simply justify the means. And maybe- just maybe- on the day we go in for a planned C-Section we will find to our surprise that she has moved head down and will choose herself when to come. Who knows.
I will simply follow her lead and see what happens.

Well, I have had a couple confirmations since last week that our baby is -right now- in a frank breech position. I am trying a bunch of homeopathic methods this weekend to get her to spin upside down. I will find out Monday if she moves. I am at 37 weeks on Monday so our time to "engage" her is starting to get a little reduced! I am hoping she will actually deliver on June 15 (her actual due date is June 17) since Dad's birthday is June 15 and that would be really special.
We took the "last" photo shoot today (my friend is an amateur photographer) on the beach. I feel like this is the largest I actually want to be seen at LOL... but I think we have adequately journalled the process and got some really really great pictures as we went along. I think in years to come she will be able to look back and see what Mom looked like carrying her which is pretty cool.
I am a little nervous about what the options are if she does not spin. Hospitals do not do breech deliveries anymore (apparently) even though myself and my brother both presented frank breech and survived perfectly fine. Mom said there were some tense moments in the delivery room and some beads of sweat she saw on the physicians brow, but regardless, we arrived WITHOUT defects or deficiencies which "frankly" (sorry, couldn't resist) assures me that things will be fine. The options at this time are: homeopathy... chiropractic ... accupuncture... manual manipulation by an obgyn from the outside (moving my belly!)... and finally, if she still insists on presenting breech, we end up with c-section. I am decidedly not keen on c-section. Not at all. Not one bit. Major surgery is not the way I want to meet my child. I *WANT* a normal, painful, challenging, the way history intended it birth. I want to feel every frickin hot stabbing sharp lasting contraction, know that I am actively participating in the birthing process along with my baby. Connection. We want CONNECTION- both to the process and to each other. I feel like it's critical -ok, that's a dramatic statement- it's most ideal to have a normal vaginal birth, because through that process there are hormones that you and your child share and exchange that create that bonding for life. You bypass that with a c-section. I feel like you bypass The Work, and The Work is what makes that particular experience so powerful.
Ugh.
Not to mention that the risk, the healing process post c-section, the layers of damage caused are extremely concerning. Oh, I so do not want to do that.
I am currently taking Pulsatilla (otherwise known as WIND FLOWER) this weekend along with Bromelain and Papaya and doing all sorts of other crazy things to help her move.... none of which I prefer to share because its a little insane! I'm hopeful that one or all of these things result in her moving. We shall see, because on Monday I have another ultrasound to see what she's doing. I will report again then!!

I woke up last night with incredible heartburn. It took two packets of ENO to put the fires out. I was also incredibly agitated after having a dream about people asking probably the rudest question they can of someone who is at or nearing the end of their pregnancy...

"Are you sure there is only one in there?"

The first time you hear this you laugh politely.

The second time you hear this, you wince, and laugh politely.

The third time you hear this, you grit your teeth and paste on a pursed smile.

The fourth time you hear this, your fist clenches.

The fifth time your eyes get a fiery stare in them, glaze over, and visions of what you wish you could do to that person become extreeeeeemely tempting to realize.

By the time you are at 8+ months along your feet are swelling, your heartburn is difficult to even put into words (as saliva swills in your mouth every moment) and your body is almost unmanageable to negotiate in and out of chairs, on and off toilets, in and out of bed. By this time, please know- you hilarious clowns who dare to utter these words- that you are literally taking your life into your hands by uttering this phrase. I woke up dreaming about stabbing someone viciously in their eyesockets with a fork after saying that. Hence the heartburn.

Men are lucky that women birth. Truly, if men had periods and babies, this world would be an amazingly different place. I hope in purgatory that all men are granted a uterus, phenomenal cramps and a pregnancy that houses a baby with an abnormally sized cranium that they have to deliver vaginally without meds. On a dirt floor, in a hut, somewhere in Africa surrounded by a swarm of large horse flies.

'Course I say this, and you know it's OTHER WOMEN that typically have the balls to say that bastardly phrase to you. Either they have forgotten their own physical reactions to their own pregnancies, or have not been pregnant, or somehow feel because they can also birth that therefore they may exercise the right to chastise a fellow female with fetus. Fuck you, I say. And the horse you rode in on. And may you get the same purgatory that I visualize for the men. Neener neener.